November – December: November Rain

Winter is Coming, But Snow Already Came

Once again it’s been some time since we last spoke, but here is hopefully the first of two posts to be coming this way before the end of the year.

I really wanted to just fill in the gaps between the end of October to where we are now in December in this post. In my last entry I spoke about thinking a lot recently about my friend who passed away at the start of the year. Unfortunately things have only gotten worse since then, as it is this period last year we learnt that things were becoming very serious with his cancer. I think the fact that it happened around Christmas, that it was cold, dark nights that I was visiting him at home and in hospital have really begun to affect me again. I’ve found myself breaking down and crying a lot, which is not something that happens to me that often as I’m usually quite closed off trying to hold it all in. I think lately, because I’ve begun to understand the values of cathartic releases more, I’ve forced myself to let it out or express my pain somehow, knowing that if I didn’t I would only hold onto it and let it turn into something more serious.

And things have been serious, I’ve been feeling quite low, I’ve been extraordinarily distracted lately which has been affecting my workflow with college assignments. In fact, to be brutally honest, I’m writing this today because I’m procrastinating and not doing the work I should be whilst justifying it by telling myself it means I have one less thing to do tomorrow. So we’ll see if I get 4 assignments submitted within 4 days or not when I get back to you before New Year.

I don't always have time to study, but when I do, I don't

I’ve also been struggling in my relationship with “Starbuck”. Lately I’ve learnt that she hasn’t been as open with him about us, and that this is not so much a polyamorous relationship any more as it is a full-blown affair. She says she doesn’t want to be with him any more and that she is stuck – financially dependent on him until she finishes university properly and secures a full-time job – she says that she wants to be with me more than him, as well as other statements that are of a positive-reinforcement nature.

That comes off as sounding more skeptical than the default neutral stance I feel like I am in, but the truth is I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing in this relationship any more. My brain keeps telling me that I should bail out ASAP, but my heart keeps telling me how perfect we are together. In my head I’m rationally trying to convince myself to get out because how can I really trust her 100%? Can you ever trust someone who has cheated on her spouse ever again? How would I feel if it were me being cheated on (and I have been before mind)? How could I do that to someone else? Objectively you can say the husband isn’t my responsibility, but I still feel complicit in wronging him.

I also wonder about how I’ve compromised any moral integrity that may have once had.

Zod will find Waldo

I don’t know how I can really truly rectify anything here that has been going through my mind these last few weeks. With Christmas and New Year coming up I’m thinking more and more about how to have a new start for 2014, and how come September next year my life will be completely different as one way or another I’ll have left home and be living elsewhere – more than likely at university. Yup, I’ve officially applied for university for October 2014. The first time I’ve ever applied. So whilst things have been relatively bleak, there is still this beacon of hope for the future to start over a new life in another part of the country and shake off some of my excess baggage.

I kinda wish this had wound up being more upbeat than it turned out to be, because honestly I feel very upbeat. I’m about to see friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in several years! I’m also generally quite happy, I think. So to seem this down on page is fairly… well… depressing! So lets maybe loop back around to the positives, and hope for the future – moving away from home.

I’ve never really planned this far into the future, at least not in recent memory. It’s actually scary, but quite liberating at the same time. It does give me hope for change, for getting out of the rut that has been my life these past 11 years and getting on with my life. I’m looking forward to having my own space, to be in a new place with new people, and having new experiences. I can’t wait for September to come.

Your age is the number of times you went around the sun

Weeks 86 – 93: I Don’t Like Mondays

Achievement Unlocked - Another Year older

So it has been some time since we last spoke.

In that time I’ve returned for my second year at college and seen in another anniversary of my escape from my mother’s vagina. I’d like to actually address my absence first though.

We get it Jim. Now stop going where no man has gone before.

 

I’ve noticed a lot over the past few months in posts that I’ve been grinding my gears. I’ve been grasping at all sorts to justify writing when the truth is that lately I don’t really feel depressed. I don’t think my depression is gone gone, but it definitely feels like a distant memory. I still have my low points, lately I’ve thought a lot about my best friend who passed away at the start of the year, but generally my mood isn’t generally depressing in nature.

I want the new Black Sabbath album

If I’m to be completely honest the only thing that is bothering me is my stress and anxiety levels. I think this is partly the fall out from switching to Sertraline earlier in the year. So whilst not being depressed is good, I’m now dealing with stress and anxiety issues more, which has meant cutting back on projects and giving myself some breathing room. So what I’m trying to say here is that my entries will become less frequent in the future, firstly because I feel as though I have very little to say on the topic of my own depression after nearly 2 years of discussing it at length on here, but secondly because I’m incredibly busy.

College has stepped up a gear this year, and now is the time of year where I need to be looking at university applications. I’m not entirely sure that’s what I want to do, but I’m trying to keep all of my options open for next year. I’m also juggling a few projects outside of my college assignments to try and pitch some TV ideas for the start of next year. This is on top of a YouTube channel I’m still trying to launch with a friend of mine, and a script for a film idea I’ve been developing for about 18 months.

So I extend my apologies for spreading myself so thin, but I’m hopeful this will see an increase in the quality of my writing on here and across the board.

 

Rabbit Bunny Ears

Finally I just want to say thank you to you, the reader, for sticking with me through this period. Whilst this blog is about me, I started this as an idea that other people might be suffering through some of the same issues I have gone through. I don’t particularly receive many messages or emails, but seeing at least 1 hit per day on this site leaves me gratified to know that this blog might help someone else.

 

So if you’re one of the people who visit here from time to time, or regularly check in, or have only just read this post – drop me a message! Is there something you’d like me to talk about? Is there something you’ve experienced and you wonder whether someone else in a similar position has experienced it too? Just let me know and I’ll do my best to answer your comment or query!

Here's a bunch of regrets and things you hate about yourself, lets talk about them for awhile

Peace, love, empathy.

Rage Comics - Today you tomorrow me

Weeks 82, 83, 84, 85 – Folsom Prison Blues

Futurama - Breaking News - Still waiting for Fry

Hey everybody! So I guess it has been a while, huh?

I’ve been struggling to motivate myself with this diary for a while so today’s entry will be about catching up on the top stories of the month…

  • I’m still a jobless bum, although I’m still a jobless student bum after receiving my grades unexpectedly (equivalent to A* at A-Level) and re-enrolled at college for the final year (but only after learning that the 2nd year students have to re-enroll even though the head of the Media department  denied this was the case).
  • I’ve been more aware of my struggle with sleep, finding that I wake up throughout the night. I genuinely can’t recall the last time I slept through the night.
  • My brother joined my gym. We’ve found ourselves motivating each other to go regularly and have averaged 3 trips per week at a minimum. I was also weighed in this month and discovered I’ve lost 7kgs and my other vitals are all within a decent norm.
  • I met “Starbucks” husband this weekend. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

He's just a purr boy nobody rubs him

Overall, psychologically speaking, my mood has been fine. I’ve not noticed any feelings of depression, but I have seen an increase in my anxiety. I don’t think this is due to anything in particular, but like other occasion it’s probably due to a lot of factors that playing on my mind (for some examples see the list above).

I’ve also mentioned that I’ve been lacking motivation, but the truth is I’ve actually felt quite unsettled and have found it difficult to sit down and concentrate for long periods. I wanted to finish a few scripts and to read a book over the course of the break from college, but have yet to complete either of those tasks. I’m not even feeling disappointed about that, I’m just entirely aware that I feel on edge a lot lately.

I think what I’m also very aware of is how confined I feel at home, with most of my friends/peers now living more independently than I am. I silently set myself a goal a few months back that after I finish college next year, either through going to university or going into the workplace that I will move out or away from this city. I’ve even found myself telling friends that without realizing that this is what I want now – my independence.

Think like a proton and stay positive

Weeks 80 & 81 – Never Again

but-why-meme-generator-nickelback-but-why-df7b94

This week I want to address the problem with abuse.

Well, maybe not the problem with abuse, but more so maybe my problem with abuse. Okay, that sounds kinda wrong. I’m not an abuser, atleast as far as I’m aware I’m not, but I know someone who is.

My father.

In the past I’ve written about issues between myself and my dad, as well as some things about him. To be totally honest I don’t actually remember what I’ve written about most things, so I don’t entirely remember what I’ve shared precisely, so I’m going to “Cliffs Notes” this as best as I can.

My dad has always struggled with emotional problems as long as I remember. He’s suffered from depression in the past. He’s also been physically violent towards myself and my younger brother, but not to the extent where we’ve wound up with breaks or bruises. As far as I’m aware he’s never been physically violent towards my mother, but he is prominently psychologically abusive to all of us. In recent years he has become more bearable, but that has never meant we’ve been able to completely relax as we cannot predict when he’ll be happy or angry. He was also diagnosed with multiple sclerosis 10 years ago.

I also still live at the family home because… recession.

I'll take a cheap shot at David Cameron whilst I'm here.
I’ll take a cheap shot at David Cameron whilst I’m here.

This week my father went off the deep end again. I don’t want to go into specific details about why, because as usual with him, it’s extremely difficult to explain in written form without writing an entire novel on the incident. The short of it is this:

He thought I had been untruthful and “sneaky” about something so texted my mother a rather abusive message (another message in a long line of abusive messages she has received at work). She knew I hadn’t, and so spoke to him when she arrived home from work. He didn’t believe her. She asked me to speak to him. He called me a liar. Things became heated. My mother and I then argued with him until the point where she finally snapped after all these years and called him on how he’s treated us, the things that he’s done, and how difficult he has made her life (by being the only parent who has held down a full time job for the majority of their marriage and looked after the home and family whilst he’s made very little effort to support her or any of us).

This argument more or less ended with my mother inviting my father to leave if he didn’t care to live with us anymore.

So he did.

For a night.

But before he left he made it as perfectly painful as he possibly could; storming around the house, collecting his things, huffing and puffing, slamming doors, and dragging his bags out of the bedroom.

Kim, have a snickers

During all of this I began to blame myself, thinking I’d just played a hand in the downfall of my parent’s marriage. Then I remembered all the terrible things he has said to us over the years, the intimidation, and the verbal abuses. This was never mine, my brother’s, nor my mother’s fault – it was always him. He did this to himself. I then began to realise that this had been a long time coming and finally we were uniting as a unit to deal with the problem.

My mother had always supported him, defended him, through all the bad times. She would say, “It’s just part of his illness”, and other similar platitudes. For years we’ve all danced around the subject of him and his whimsical outbursts. But this would happen no more. She said if he was to return things would have to change, he would have to learn to live with us and not the other way around. If he wanted the marriage to end then so be it. We were united as a family to deal with our domestic problem.

Or that’s what I thought.

Reality getting you down - use internet blinds

When my father returned at some point after my mother went to work on Thursday morning, things in the house defaulted back to its awkward state. He avoided us by commandeering the living room (as per usual) and refused to speak to my mother. By Saturday they were finally speaking, but not about what had happened – which is actually worse than not speaking at all. He refuses to acknowledge any fault, and as of writing my brother and I still haven’t spoken to him. Again, to be truthful, after he began to talk and stop avoiding us I began to not want to even speak to him – not only have we spent years being abused in this way, but he also walked out on us!

My mother thinks he cares about us in his own way, but how is that relevant when we can’t see that. How little must he care for this family if he feels that he has to control the home with fear and intimidation? How little must he care to be able to pack up his belongings and walk out (which with MS isn’t an easy feat)?

After twenty-something years of putting up with this abuse you’d have thought I’d have moved out, and believe me I wish I had taken the opportunity seriously when I was much younger, but I also wanted to be around to support my mother and brother. What makes me feel even sadder is that my mother won’t force him to leave or force him into a conversation because of a misplaced notion in patching up the marriage, regardless of how tiny he makes her feel.

In a few years my brother and I will have moved out and be moving on in our lives, yet I feel that my mother will remain stuck with pathologically demented, psychologically abusive father until the day he dies. By that point I wonder how many years she would have lost chained to this man.

Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated anywhere. In the battlefield, in the workplace, or at home – it should always be untolerated. Never accept it as a fact of life, nor as the hand that you have been dealt. If you can get out, then get out. Report it where necessary, but never, ever, put up with it. You’re a human being too, and you deserve to be treated better.

live long and pawspurr

Weeks 78 & 79 – Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve)

Run Bro -- Happy one week anniversary

Things have been fairly quite recently – both here and in real life. Strangely quiet.

Whilst there’s not been many events that have occurred, in the past few days I’ve been mulling over something quite deeply personal.

Straight off the bat I want to say I don’t believe in fate and destiny or divine intervention, I do believe though that sometimes in life you get something that you need to get you through a specific point in your life.

I also want to remind readers at this stage how much I hate how this blog sounds really self serving and self centred at times, but I guess that’s the nature of what this blog was created for: to delve into my inner workings. And to help the NSA profile me further.

Tin foil over laptop - your move NSA

Regular readers are aware that I’m currently in a very complicated relationship with a married woman, whom I’ve nicknamed “Starbuck” for the purposes of this blog. She says it’s an open relationship, but I have my doubts. What I do know is that I feel like we’ve both been missing something or need something from each other and we’re both in some way or another using each other as some type of therapy to work out the issues going on in our own lives.

I won’t go into details about her struggles, but for me this feels like something that I’ve needed for awhile. Whilst initially I felt it was more about seeking comfort after Matt’s death, I’ve now begun thinking about it on a much grander scale.

So I’ve been thinking more and more about aspects of her personality and history that remind me of ex-girlfriends and relationships that never really manifested into anything and what they meant to me. Some examples – the town she grew up in was very near to where my last long term girlfriend came from, her sexuality is very similar to another long term relationship. Her style of glasses and shape of her face are similar to a girl who got away, which is only more reinforced by the fact that they are both married. Also this thing having originally beginning as a one night stand that has grown into something that was repeated and now into this is also reminiscent of some other quasi-painful experiences in my past.

Maybe I’m reading into this too much, a thing I know I’m prone to doing – but this really has taken on conspiracy theory levels of depth. In some ways it could be perceived as divine intervention or fate, but what would it all mean? What is this supposed to mean to me?

Remembering Something Awkward for 8 Years

What I think is that I’m both looking at the events of my life far too deeply, but also at this bizarre relationship too deeply too. (Sounds like a sequel to Deep Blue Sea!) I think why I have been so torn about this thing is because subconsciously I felt I needed someone to be intimate with to help me work through some of my issues, and it has just been coincidence that it’s someone who shares so many similarities to my own experiences is cosmically insane to my brain.

I’m not sure when or how this relationship I have wound up in will end, but I do know that whenever it does end it will have made me readdress my some of the issues I had thought of as dead, and learnt how to move past them.

Maybe.

You are living, you occupy space, you have a mass. You matter

Week 79 – School’s Out

This week’s post is sponsored by Game of Thrones memes.

A Lannister always pays his debts - for everything else there's Mastercard

This week I finished my first year of college. Things are actually looking pretty good grade wise, with a lot of comments from lecturers mentioning that I’m the best Film & TV student the college has had in a good number of years. This inflates my ego vastly.

To be fair to the rest of my class, I think I should mention that the standard of work they put out is just as good, if not better than, my own quality of work. I think there’s a lot of potential there for a lot of us to go into the industry when we finish next year.

I’m struggling this week with topics to discuss. I don’t want to retread over last week’s entry and to be honest this week has mostly been about finishing my final project, which was a music video. So really I’ve had very little time for anything else at this point.

Crows before Hoes

So this is really going to be one of those short ones where I sort of shrug, post numerous memes, and wax lyrically about stuff I’ve been proud of completing. I think though it might be worth exploring what I’m aiming to do over the long summer holiday…

Day and Jorah secretly judge outfits

So I’ve kind of been dreading the break because I was worried I wouldn’t have much of anything to do (especially as I still find myself without a part-time job). I have, however, found myself coming up with more and more things that I want to do, and the best way to express this is to list them!

  • Complete a script and begin working on production planning for a YouTube channel.
  • Publish posts regularly on my media blog
  • Begin looking into routes to producing/directing in TV and film.
  • Finish reading Mark Kermode’s “It’s Only a Movie” which was bought for my birthday last October.
  • Update media CV; look for work experience in media.
  • Return to the gym regularly.
  • Tweak and update 2 assignments from college to improve grades.
  • Find part-time work.

I don’t hold a lot of hope for that last one, but still – I fucking need money, bad!

 I’ve wanted to get this YouTube channel off the ground for some time now, and maybe now is the right time. My mind is in the right place, all the pieces are there. I just need to get something tangible out. I also need to start getting into work mode by getting myself out there, and showcasing my own talents and abilities – thus the blog/work experience/YouTube stuff. Other than that it’s just about keeping me healthy and preoccupied until September. I definitely feel like I’m in a good place right now. I’ve not really felt down, depressed, or suicidal in a while and I want to use the clarity of thought to actually be proactive with my time instead of sleeping/drinking it away.

I should buy a direwolf

I’ve probably jinxed it all now, with the best laid plans n’ all… Still, I feel excited about this time off and the possibilities of what can come from this.

Jest of Thrones - The Lannisters send their regards

If you’re so inclined, you can view my final project for this year below.

Weeks 76-77-78 – Communication Breakdown

Boy Fuck Things Up, Girls Are Fucked Up

Okay, this is going to sound really bad.

I was kind of hoping that taking a bit of a break may elicit a more upbeat post. Sadly, I must say, that I’ve spent the last 3 weeks continuing to do more of the same.

Look, I’m not going to sugar coat what has happened this month, but I also don’t want to retread over it all again. I’m disappointed enough with myself. On what could maybe be considered a plus side of things; remember that person I slept with at the start of the month? Yeah, we’re still hooking up.

Frankly my dear I don't give a Dean

I’m going to go ahead and assume that you either just screamed “WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!” at the screen, or now you can’t read this because you just punched your screen. Firstly, I’m entirely flattered that you care this much to express such a response. Secondly, I know, I’m setting myself up for a whole world of hurt.

The thing about this is though, it’s actually not as seedy as it originally seemed. Yes, she is married, but the marriage is an open one. So essentially I’m now finding myself in some weird-y polygamous relationship.

I tried to end it before anything serious began to develop – i.e. emotional ties – but found myself being talked back into it a day later by Starbuck (for the sake of preserving privacy I may have changed her name) who promised that it wasn’t hurting her marriage, but that she also wouldn’t hurt me.

You have amazing reflexes - I'm like a Ninja, or Helo in BSG

Now, I know this is probably going to end really badly, i.e. in me getting hurt, but I think in some strange way that the dynamic of this thing is actually something I needed – no overwhelming commitments, just two people coming together and enjoying each other’s company for a few hours.

Okay, that sounds really bad.

Bitches Love Chaos Theory

Look, I think what I’m trying to say is that I’ve felt desperately lonely at different times over the past 6 months, maybe even longer, but what ever this thing is, it is exactly what I need right now – even though I know deep down that there is no longevity to relationships this complex.

Weirdly I actually feel fine with that.

To Be Old and Wise You Must First Be Young and Stupid