Once again it’s been some time since we last spoke, but here is hopefully the first of two posts to be coming this way before the end of the year.
I really wanted to just fill in the gaps between the end of October to where we are now in December in this post. In my last entry I spoke about thinking a lot recently about my friend who passed away at the start of the year. Unfortunately things have only gotten worse since then, as it is this period last year we learnt that things were becoming very serious with his cancer. I think the fact that it happened around Christmas, that it was cold, dark nights that I was visiting him at home and in hospital have really begun to affect me again. I’ve found myself breaking down and crying a lot, which is not something that happens to me that often as I’m usually quite closed off trying to hold it all in. I think lately, because I’ve begun to understand the values of cathartic releases more, I’ve forced myself to let it out or express my pain somehow, knowing that if I didn’t I would only hold onto it and let it turn into something more serious.
And things have been serious, I’ve been feeling quite low, I’ve been extraordinarily distracted lately which has been affecting my workflow with college assignments. In fact, to be brutally honest, I’m writing this today because I’m procrastinating and not doing the work I should be whilst justifying it by telling myself it means I have one less thing to do tomorrow. So we’ll see if I get 4 assignments submitted within 4 days or not when I get back to you before New Year.
I’ve also been struggling in my relationship with “Starbuck”. Lately I’ve learnt that she hasn’t been as open with him about us, and that this is not so much a polyamorous relationship any more as it is a full-blown affair. She says she doesn’t want to be with him any more and that she is stuck – financially dependent on him until she finishes university properly and secures a full-time job – she says that she wants to be with me more than him, as well as other statements that are of a positive-reinforcement nature.
That comes off as sounding more skeptical than the default neutral stance I feel like I am in, but the truth is I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing in this relationship any more. My brain keeps telling me that I should bail out ASAP, but my heart keeps telling me how perfect we are together. In my head I’m rationally trying to convince myself to get out because how can I really trust her 100%? Can you ever trust someone who has cheated on her spouse ever again? How would I feel if it were me being cheated on (and I have been before mind)? How could I do that to someone else? Objectively you can say the husband isn’t my responsibility, but I still feel complicit in wronging him.
I also wonder about how I’ve compromised any moral integrity that may have once had.
I don’t know how I can really truly rectify anything here that has been going through my mind these last few weeks. With Christmas and New Year coming up I’m thinking more and more about how to have a new start for 2014, and how come September next year my life will be completely different as one way or another I’ll have left home and be living elsewhere – more than likely at university. Yup, I’ve officially applied for university for October 2014. The first time I’ve ever applied. So whilst things have been relatively bleak, there is still this beacon of hope for the future to start over a new life in another part of the country and shake off some of my excess baggage.
I kinda wish this had wound up being more upbeat than it turned out to be, because honestly I feel very upbeat. I’m about to see friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in several years! I’m also generally quite happy, I think. So to seem this down on page is fairly… well… depressing! So lets maybe loop back around to the positives, and hope for the future – moving away from home.
I’ve never really planned this far into the future, at least not in recent memory. It’s actually scary, but quite liberating at the same time. It does give me hope for change, for getting out of the rut that has been my life these past 11 years and getting on with my life. I’m looking forward to having my own space, to be in a new place with new people, and having new experiences. I can’t wait for September to come.