January 2017: Five Years

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Welcome to year 6 and the 5th anniversary since I began writing this blog!

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The tone of Diary of a Depressed… since year 1 has somewhat shifted to where it is now. I used to take myself a little too seriously, I probably still do, but I hope the darkness of some of the posts is balanced out a more with humour.  I certainly hope the way I express myself has drastically improved over time! I know this space can get extremely reflexive and self-centred, but that is kinda the nature of this beast. A massive thank you to those who have stuck with and continue to read my ramblings.

Now on with the show.

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Things this month have actually been pretty good. No real mood swings, no massive downers. It’s been a month where I got stuff done. I finished editing a short film I’d been working on since December. I also doubled down on this Keto diet… thingy. I am currently around 5 weeks into the diet, having 100% committed to it maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago. Currently I am down around 13lbs… maybe. There’s a good chance I could be down around 24lbs. Why I am uncertain is because I didn’t actually weigh myself when I started before Christmas. So I’m going by a rough weight guesstimation from my last weigh-in, which could be more. It could be less, but HAHAHA no. It’ll definitely be more. Also, 13lbs is categorically the definite amount that I have lost thus far since I began weighing in 3 weeks ago. I’ve also been on the diet now longer than when I became ill last year, which a part of me was worried that I had become ill somehow because of this. I think it proves to me that the illness last year was entirely unrelated to keto.

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What has been great about this process is seeing the minor transformations. I keep photographic records week to week, although I’ve not really noticed the changes I can see those changes when I compare the oldest to the newest. I’m keeping track of my dietary intake, which helps a lot. What has been the most satisfying is finding clothes becoming loose. My belt is currently on it’s tightest notch and barely holds my jeans up, which will likely mean I’ll have to start adding my own notches very soon. My go to casual shirt is also fairly baggy now too. It’s a strange place for me to be in, as someone who has never lost weight, and certainly not this much weight in such a relatively short period of time.

It feels good to be making this transformation, and it feels great to be finally doing something about my weight after 25+ years of feeling and being overweight. A huge part of my depression originates from my own self-loathing of my appearance. I’ve never been the athletic type, I would get bullied in school, I’ve had confidence issues all my life because I didn’t feel secure with my appearance. Now that is changing, I hope to feel more confident and have more self-esteem as the weight continues to go.

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Besides this, not a lot else has really been going on. I’ve been stuck inside for most of the holidays into mid-January thanks to weeks of torrential rain. I’ve also been mostly broke so going out and doing indoor activities, like going to the cinema, has been off the cards. But, I’ve had a pretty good month regardless. I caught up on a bunch of films and TV that I’d been meaning to do. I started catching up on reading. I started playing chess with a friend back home via a website, which is something I haven’t played since I was a kid. I still suck at it (he’s currently beating me 10-3), but it’s a great challenge.

Classes for my 2nd and final semester in the U.S. began last week, in which I was able to secure a seat in all the classes I requested. There’s no production classes this semester, so my schedule shouldn’t be as hectic as last year, but I’m already anticipating some challenges, specifically from an acting class. As mentioned above, I don’t have very much confidence/self-esteem. I took this class purposefully to help overcome that. I’ve had two classes so far and I’m already feeling out of my comfort zone. Partially I feel silly and terrible, and embarrassed about it; on the other hand, it feels good to get out of the comfort zone.

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I feel somewhat confident in my academic skills in that I don’t really feel like university/college is all that challenging — outside of the production classes that is. So when I saw this class was available I knew I had to take it to push my boundaries. Whilst other classes are going to pose their own set of relatively minor challenges, this is the one class that will probably tax me the most in terms of dealing with a subject that I have only ever witnessed from the outside. But it should be fun. It should be engaging, and it should be great for my self-esteem.

Otherwise, this month has pretty much been maintenance. I’ve enjoyed the downtime despite the disappointment of not getting out much. I got caught up on a bunch o’ stuff. And there are things coming up that I am looking forward to (and this is all despite the dumpster fire that has been Donald Trump’s first week as president! Oy, vey!!).

So I guess that’s it for this month. Until next time…

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Much love ❤

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