August 2016: Going to California

First off, shout out to my kid brother who discovered my anonymous postings here. That’s some mighty fine detective work you did. I tip my hat to you, sir!

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Second of all, this will be my last entry.

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Just kidding.

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To be honest, now is going to be one of the most interesting periods of my life. This will be the longest I’ve been out of the UK, the longest I’ve been on another continent, and the longest length of time I have spent away from home. The mental health challenges are going to be interesting to say the least, whilst also dealing with everything that come with studying in another country.

At the time of writing this entry I’ve been in the US for just over 2 weeks, and it has come with its challenges, but mostly it has been kinda good. So I say “kinda good” because I’m not very good at recognising good things in my life, but I guess in reality things have actually been good. As much as I loathed the idea of sharing a room with someone, so far it has turned out okay. The guy I’m rooming with is an American and we get on really well. We’ve hung out a lot together since he moved in last Friday, and dare I say that the potential for a lasting friendship is there. Awww. I also get on well with my other apartment cohabitants, having gone to the cinema earlier in the week with one and a few of his buddies.

Settling into education here has been a bit of a challenge. Classes tend to be a lot more crowded and the stupid desk chairs they have for classes do not do anything for my bodily confidence. There also appears to be more work involved here, which for a workaholic like me is a two-headed dragon. Yeah, it’ll keep me busy and I guess entertained, but will I be too busy to appreciate my time in the US? The next few weeks will actually indicate how much work I need to put in, and while I don’t particularly like the idea I’m about to throw out — I may just essentially take the year off, slow down, and do the bare minimum to pass. Because while I like the idea of seeing how the other side does things, I am acutely aware of how much I need a change in my life and have some newer experiences. I need some miles on my clock, as they say out here.

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Talking about miles, and being away from home…

So ‘W’ got out of prison, you all know that. You know about the first week and what happened, but what you don’t know yet is in the weeks leading up to my departure he leaned on me even more heavily for friendship. Now, I stated this last month: Things have changed and our friendship won’t be the same, in fact it’s probably over, but I just don’t have the heart to tell him. I’m just terrible at confrontation on a whole. Keeping it 100, I’ve been terrible at dealing with anything negatively lately as a whole. I’ve just become exhausted and passive about everything. So before I left, I got together with a bunch of my oldest friends for a BBQ, which hasn’t happened in a long while. After getting surprisingly drunk, I asked my host for some advice. I can’t recall if I’ve mentioned her here before, so for the sake of this discussion I’ll call her “Kay”. “Kay” has been my bedrock for a number of years and has always provided me with the best advice, and actually listens to me on a level you don’t necessarily get with boys. I told her about my contact with ‘W’ and how I felt about it, but she said what I already knew — I’m being too nice to someone who has treated me like shit. Basically, I should just cut him out.

There is still this part of me that still wants him around, but it’s the part of me that’s in mourning for a friendship that is lost. I wrote about this last year. It’s not that I particularly want him in my life anymore, it’s just that a friendship that I had a lot of faith and trust in fell apart. It is quite essentially the death of a friendship, like the death of a relationship, a death in the family, or the death of a close friend. I’m mourning what was.Ironically it feels like I’ve spent most of my life mourning for what was lost, and especially so in the last few years with Matt’s death. And so that’s another thing that really bothers me about ‘W’ getting out, is that he says his mind was in a bad place with Matt’s death, but the dates and stuff don’t line up along with the fact that it still didn’t matter – it’s a piss poor excuse to use Matt’s death for his own actions. I think Matt would slap him for pulling that shit.

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So moving to California has been a kind of godsend that I could essentially “ghost” ‘W’ – ignore his calls (in fact I just straight up blocked all of his numbers that he could possibly call me from). I figured that messages would be the same, but apparently not. He texted me today. It’s so frustrating because I don’t want contact with him, and I do just want to move on. I wish I could still be friends but I do feel so betrayed, I feel that he doesn’t respect me or anyone else to be honest. I know I should tell it to him straight, but like I said, I’m a fucking pussy about confrontation.

I should have done this the first time he called me from ‘Inside’ and just ended things there.

So while I’m thematically on the relationship end of the spectrum I guess I should talk about something else that has been on my mind this week.

So… There’s some small stuff. It’s relatively minor. It really shouldn’t be on my mind, but it has for the past week, and it’s that my ex has gone “Facebook official” with her new man. Now, look… I’m not upset about that. I didn’t expect things to magically work out between us one day (Although I guess on a subconscious level I must’ve), and I want us both to move on with our lives. We’re not going to work out – I know it, she knows it – but there was something about seeing Starbuck moving on officially that kills me inside. I had known about them for sometime, and look, things with her are massively complicated. Fuck. You’d know that if you’ve been reading this for a few years. But I guess it’s something that hit me right in my weakest spot – which is my loneliness feels. Life is treating me relatively well, all things considered from the past few years, I’m in California for fuck sake! But the success doesn’t stop the loneliness and emptiness I still feel.

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So… I guess I’m about to spitball here… but this is something of a trait I’ve noticed in myself, this feeling of ongoing unhappiness. I can have a modicum of success, but I can’t celebrate it. Like, I don’t feel worthy of it. I guess on some level I feel like I don’t deserve to feel happy… and for that I can’t understand why. On paper I should be able to applaud myself for all the things I have accomplished, but it’s almost an impossibility. When I was younger I thought that unhappiness was to do with never having had a girlfriend, then I had a long-term relationship, and I was happy for a while, but I was unhappy in my professional life so I started getting that together and that relationship ended and the circle began again, and worked again and again. Now, I’m not saying that I’m unhappy with where I am at in terms of my career path, but I wonder whether I’m “an all or nothing” kind of guy in that I focus too much on one and not enough on the other which leads into failure for one of them. I am just spitballing. And I guess there was a period where I was happy with education and relationships when I was with Starbuck and studying at college. So I’m just overthinking it and trying to find reason where there is none. So fuck it. Let’s ignore this entire paragraph as the ramblings of a fucking psychopath.

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I guess the whole point of this post is just to highlight how I’m struggling to appreciate what I have. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, because within all reason I do, I just don’t know how to make the connection in my synapses that I should feel good about things. It’s like I’m hardwired into thinking negatively, but guess what?! That is motherfucking depression for you.

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But understand this, as much as my mind is reaching constantly for something negative, I counter balance with as much positivity as possible. My downtime is usually filled with entertainment that makes me laugh or feel good. I’ve got out and explored more of San Diego in a week than I ever did of Canterbury! I’ve even made it to comic-con mecca at the San Diego Convention Center! Not while comic-con was on, but I still made it to a place that’s as much a landmark to me as the Empire State Building is to others.

So until next time,

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Much love ❤

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