June 2016 – Trampled Under Foot

I like my coffee like I like life

Jesus, I really don’t know where to begin.

So look, this is probably going to meander all over the place, but forgive me, my mind is a little scattered lately.

(Ha, lately.)

I have a serious problem right now. My problem is life. I am currently making plans to travel abroad and study in the USA for 9 months, something that I was skeptical about, but also kind of looking forward to. I thought it would be great to move away from the UK for a little while, experience life in different climates and social circles… Actually, that still sounds like a really good idea. *sigh*. So I guess my problem is with the legal and bureaucratic bullshit I’m having to go through for attaining a visa. And I understand why I have to go through this process, but it has been very taxing. Documents aren’t very clear about information required, or information it says I am required to have, that I have to have filled in and completed another document that requires X, Y, and Z. It’s been very stressful getting this organised. No, it’s been a fucking nightmare. I am in anxiety hell, and I feel like I have been on the verge of a panic attack for weeks.

The good news is that most of the hard work is done. Mostly. I still have an interview to attend at the U.S. Embassy next week, which is at stupid-o’clock in the morning on a weekday. It also means I either have to travel at ridiculous-o’clock on the day or get a room somewhere in London to stay the night. It’s likely to be the former, but travelling makes me stressed and nervous, because, well, fucking people, man. This is part 2 of my problems with life. 

Heart what just happened - i just watched the news

So my opinion of other people has been severely diminished in the past month. Some of this is from personal experience – negative interactions with Joe-public – the rest has been events that have occurred in the news (in no particular order): the Orlando killings, the assassination of Jo Cox, the EU Referendum and results followed by the fall out, and the death of the actor Anton Yelchin. The funny thing is that that last one shouldn’t have affected me as much as it did. I mean, it is still a huge deal to my nerd brain. He was a great young actor who honestly could have been the next Ryan Gosling of the screen. Why it affected me though was for two reasons. 1) It’s his age. He was younger than me, and didn’t die doing something reckless, it was a stupid fault with his vehicle that killed him. And 2) It was sort of the straw on the camel’s back after all this other stuff. It was sort of like losing optimism for the future that things could get better, but something outside of our control will still continue to fuck us. See, also: EU Referendum.

In all, my mind has been in a very negative head space. In the past few weeks I’ve transitioned from feeling stressed; to stressed and anxious; to stressed, anxious, and depressed; to just anxious and depressed. Yesterday (4th July) was my lowest point for a few months. I actually slept something like 13-14 hours, only waking up sometime around 5pm. Luckily I was still tired and my sleeping pattern wasn’t totally fucked so I managed to get to bed at a reasonable time and wake up relatively refreshed.

Y’know, I don’t even know where I’m going with this at the moment. Why am I telling you how much sleep I’m getting? I guess the point to be made is that I am trying to stay focused and keep a routine of some sort.

My desire to be well infromed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane

I guess it should also be worth noting that I have been piling on tasks to keep myself busy. Perhaps I’m creating too much work for myself. Perhaps by working too hard and letting events in the news and my personal life get me down, and I’m just making things worse and worse for myself. Perhaps it’s time to restructure some things…

So the personal stuff I’m dancing around is, again, twofold. The first thing is that ‘Starbuck’ and I had a falling out which left me feeling pretty upset. I had been feeling emotionally vulnerable this month as this was my first full month of being well, and being able to get out to socialise properly. My encounter with her on one drunken night was extremely negative, and telling her that resulted in an even more negative reaction. Basically I felt as though she had been rude and insulting, and a few days later I told her. She apologised, and me, learning how to not say “that’s okay” in response to an apology (so as it not giving permission to do that again), said “thanks, I appreciate that”. She didn’t respond to well to that, and, well, here we are two weeks later still not talking after having a blazing argument. It shouldn’t even really matter, she’s not my girlfriend anymore, but she was probably one of a few people I considered myself close to. So I think that’s what has hurt the most. It feels as though someone I considered being close to dismissed my feelings. Ergo: Rejection. A reoccurring motif of my neuroses.

THe Good, The Bad, The Ugly, and the Cat

So I spent the rest of June relatively isolated. I put off organising to see other friends. I limited my interactions with people to just my immediate family and Nan. As I’m typing this I am realising that everything that has come since that argument has been a reaction to rejection.

So the second thing with my personal dysfunction is that I’m increasingly finding it harder to be around people. I’m starting to find my social skills are rapidly dwindling. Recently, my brother returned home to visit. Perhaps it was just poor timing as his arrival coincided with my descent into stress, anxiety, and depression, but I’ve found it hard to talk to him without sounding shitty; and on the day he arrived I didn’t particularly feel positive about his arriving. If anything I just felt apathetic. It could have just been bad timing, but it is something I have been feeling for a number of months now, and I’m starting to wonder if I have reinforced this somewhat subconsciously. I wonder if I have created another rule for living – “I cannot be around people because I’m bad at socialising”?

Meh. I don’t know.

Fuck this shit I'm going to Asgard

What I do know is that it does concern me, as I feel like this is something that is affecting my social dynamic far too much. In fact, it has probably been affecting me ever since I went back to college 4 years ago. I was apprehensive back then about mingling with those who were potentially 10 years my junior as I am apprehensive now living/studying with students 10 years my junior. I guess my concerns have been about feeling alone, or out of touch with that generation and so far I’ve only really allowed myself to confirm that bias. So I guess I’m anxious that I’ll continue to believe this moving to San Diego.

And then I’m making myself anxious by thinking about how I’m posting this online and I worry that someone will see this and it’ll mean my visa is rejected.

I’m just a giant ball of stress and anxiety right now. All I can do is try to push through it, but each day is becoming harder and harder as my brain says “Hey, we could just write tomorrow off and just sleep it all away”. But that won’t fix any of this. I need to fix these things myself.

But fuck me, I really should have got therapy while I was back here.

Until next time…

For Anton - Star Trek

Much love ❤