We’re halfway through the year and with that I decided to look back and reflect…
Clicking through my posts for the past 6 months I realised just how much my ass has been kicked. Generally I try to live in the present to keep my head above water and stay focused, but in retrospect I’ve realised I have been very unhappy this year. By living in the present I’ve ignored things that have been on my mind, things like loneliness and rejection. I think this is an overly simplistic analysis for a subject that is ultimately complex, but what I do know is I’m depressed. I mean, obviously, duh, I’ve had this diagnosis for 10 years and that is what this blog is dedicated to, living with depression. However, I think I’ve ignored it on a larger level. Sure, depression has been an issue during different events this year, but reading 6 months worth of entries shows really that there is always something going on and I’ve never really acknowledged how I have gotten past these issues because the reality is that I never did.
For example, I’m still not over my break-up from earlier this year, even though we both still recognise it as the best for both of us. I haven’t moved on because somewhere in the back of my mind I still hold out hope that one day we will be together again. That hope exists because I feel abandoned or rejected by almost everyone else. My friend ‘W”s incarceration has left me with very few friends back home. Other friends now live abroad, and those that do remain aren’t really in communication with me, for one reason or another. An argument could be made that we should settle our differences because life is short, but honestly those left behind have fallen behind for a reason, and that reason is we’ve just grown apart. The few friends I do have rarely stay in contact, busy with life or having a crisis of their own, and that’s fine. People sometimes need a bit of space, and I’ve made them aware that I’m always available for a chat or a visit. However, since I moved to university friends have only ever visited me once, and now we’re in the middle of the summer vacation hardly anyone of my university friends are around. I find myself becoming jealous of people who are off on holiday, enjoying time with their significant other and posting pictures to social media. It’s this kind of resentment that I truly resent. It’s not their fault they’re able to enjoy the summer, but I resent myself for resenting them for enjoying themselves.
Meanwhile I’m stuck here babysitting a hamster that has been forced on me, which I seem to be allergic to. In fact I’ve spent the past 6 weeks getting treatment to be able to breathe normally and regain my hearing. Yup, I’m miserable. In fact, I have been so miserable I haven’t fully been able to celebrate getting my first job in 3 years! (insert applause here)
So yeah, right now I feel sad and pathetic, and I don’t even really know what would make me feel happy. Sure, there are “things” that have made me happy in the past year – finishing the scholarly year with a First Class is one – I just can’t quite see what would improve my happiness though.
So really I’m going through the motions, just trying to stay active, keep to a regular routine, but in some respects this bores me. I have nothing to look forward to except work. I wonder if it’s worth throwing myself into that, but I fear that I would lose myself in it again like I have done in the past. I just don’t have the answers, which I guess in the grand scheme of things is fine. No one has all the answers nor the key to happiness. I just hope now that I’m working and getting out into the world on a more regular basis that happiness will find me; maybe new friendships too.
Much love ❤