February 2015 – Life on Mars

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Things have been a little difficult this month. Don’t worry, no relapses, although it could be said that I’ve began relying on the same old crutches that I lean on in times of distress. But I don’t know if I could really say that I am in “distress”, I’ve certainly had my low points. Okay, so I should probably start from the beginning.

So I think I’ve been feeling very lonely lately, even though I’ve been much more sociable with the group that I’m moving in with for the next school year. I think maybe I’m hung up on my ex in some ways, in other ways I suppose I’m feeling alone because I miss my close friends too. I’ve thought a lot about my friend too Matt, who passed away 2 years ago, and February was the 2nd anniversary of his funeral. This is just some background, as a close friend of mine was due to come visit me this month on two separate occasions, but ultimately let me down. I feel like he was not being honest about why he wasn’t coming, and that his excuses were just that, excuses. It really upset me that he couldn’t be honest about his true reasons, and I suspect they were to do with the cost of travel, but I can understand that. I just wish that he had been honest instead of giving me a BS excuse.

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So then Valentine’s Day rolled around not long after this, and I was stuck with feeling loneliness and heartbreak over no longer being with my ex. This wasn’t helped last week when I received a phone call from her where we talked for nearly 2 hours quite openly. I want to be friends with her, and I want to be there for her still, but the discussion turned to people we’ve been with since we broke up. And I was fine with that conversation. She needed to be open with me about it, and I took it. Which was fine. But I guess I’m not fine because we aren’t together. And I’m here. 150 miles from home. Alone.

So instead I’ve thrown myself into work with uni (I have a short film in production) and in my down time I’ve been drinking… Sometimes alone. Yeah. So not good. But, on the bright side, my finances are pretty low and I can no longer afford to buy booze, so when I am feeling shitty now I just doing it in my room sober. Yay.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it - Groucho Marx

I mean, this is all about distraction, right? To distract myself from emotional pain? So I need to come to terms with the knowledge that I am alone, or that I can find a healthier way to be distracted. So maybe the best thing for me is to throw myself into my work, no matter how stressful that is at the moment, and focus my mind there. Great art is born out of conflict, and I’m one conflicted motherfucker right now.

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So I’m going to cut it there, and hope that in a month’s time things have turned around for the better. Maybe in a month stronger friendships will have been forged here, and maybe newer ones found.

Much love ❤

Kid in Red Shirt - Don't play with those boys

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