November 2014: I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself

Psalms are sweaty. Knees weak, cross is heavy. Vomit on my tunic already. Turning water into spaghetti

I’ve put off writing this entry for a little while, and there are a few reasons for this. The first I feel is that my posts lately have been very negative and not reflecting the positive. But that’s something that can be said about living with depression in that it forces the individual to dwell on the negatives. So the second reason is that I think I have been very depressed for quite a while. I don’t mean that like I’ve been having bouts of depression for years, but that I’m currently going through a drawn out bout right now.

Giles - It's the end of the world... Again

I don’t know if it’s any one particular thing, but judging by past experiences it will be a composite of issues. Since moving to uni I’ve been battling a lot of negative thoughts about myself on a regular daily basis. It’s like living with another person in my head at times, it’s also something I’ve written about in the past. It’s that subconscious part of you that dredges up a memory and makes you feel negative about it – even if it was a happy memory.

I learnt a few years ago that I could deal with this by using a combination of mindfulness techniques and medication, however since I changed medication nearly 2 years ago I’ve found it increasingly hard to let these thoughts slip away. I find myself more and more frequently vocalising my annoyance to these thoughts or memories, especially as I spend increasing amounts of time alone in my room. Of course the easy solution to this would to not spend time alone in my room and to get out in the world, but at this university I feel incredibly alone.

Rage Comics - Forever Alone - Are you here alone, i need a chair

I’ve made some friends, even gone out with them on the town, but they’re still not the solid friendships that I had developed as was the case with my college friends. In my mind I’m justifying this as it takes me longer to connect with people on a friendship level because of my preconceived notions about age and experiences between myself and the younger students, something that I had when I started college 2 years ago. Now I’m wavering in that thought process and wonder whether it’s actually my fault and I don’t want to make friends. Am I comparing new friendships to old ones?

It’s hard to know now what it is, my mind feels very clouded around the subject. The added stress of having a break up, although mutual, makes me feel as though in this corner of the world I have nothing but my ambitions, which too are wavering.

Neil Patrick Harris Before Zod

Perhaps I’m being too cynical about all this, perhaps it is the stress of being away from friends and family whilst pursuing an education in another city that is getting to me. It’s difficult, though, to wholly comprehend once my mind becomes so bogged down in the fog that is depression.

So what I need to do now is battle back out of it. I’ve previously written about combatting depression by being active. Well, the weather is too cold and wet currently for a stroll, so I’m stuck inside. What should I do inside? Write, organise, find things to tax the brain. So far, writing this is the first thing I’ve managed to do. Why? Because one of the things depressions loves to do to an individual is to make them lose interest in doing anything that they ever found interesting. Another thing is to make you bury your head and not confront your issues. Writing this has helped me to tackle both.

Neils before Zod

This may have started out as a negative post, but it’s not ending that way, because now I’m fighting back. In 2 weeks I get to go home for Christmas. I’ll get to see my friends and family. My goal is to make it back home and get reenergised for the New Year. In-between now and then I’ve got plenty to do, so it’s time for me to leave you and start making a list of what I need to accomplish before I go home.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Much love ❤

God says homosexuality is (s)in