I’m slowly going insane.
6 weeks into living on campus and I’m really struggling. The funny thing though is that I’m not struggling because of the work (although I have 10 days to write a 2000 word essay on the relevance of Shakespeare being performed in My Darling Clementine and have so far done none of the work), I am struggling with living on campus. I thought living on campus wouldn’t be so bad, it’d put me in a place where I could meet and befriend new people and forge some new relationships. At this stage I’ve still barely made any new friends, and living in shared accommodation is becoming really difficult. In the flat things have gone missing, food stolen, massive messes being left for days. Sounds typical of student living, but for someone who is rapidly approaching his thirties it’s something that is increasingly hard to cope with. Prior to writing this post I discovered all my knives had gone missing from my draw in the kitchen only to then find them in someone else’s draw. They had literally taken my knives from my draw and put them in theirs because, “All mine had gone missing and I thought these were mine.” No love, they weren’t.
The fact as well that this week my girlfriend/lover/paramour (delete as appropriate) decided that we should take a break/break-up because a variety of reasons (including long-distance, her marriage, and other difficult circumstances) has left me extremely isolated. I don’t even really have any friends back home I could really call up anymore that I can just unload on, and my family on the other hand are not people I want to worry with this.
Luckily I have this blog for that, so lucky you, dear reader(s)!!!
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I’ve also been experiencing a lot of vivid nightmares in-between recent bouts of insomnia, some about people I love dying, and others about people I love coming back to life. This came to a crescendo last night with a zombie apocalypse nightmare. Lucky me. So no doubt I’m feeling as though I have no respite from the negative thoughts and anxieties.
This is genuinely quite worrying because a lot of this stuff is symptomatic of me approaching a relapse or the start of a big ol’ bout of depression. This means I need to be on top of my mental health, keep to routines, keep busy, keep distracted…
I’m trying to take a long walk at least once a week into town to do my shopping and other town-type errand-y things, whilst keeping busy during the week. Some days I am finding harder than others to get energy and motivate myself into action. Yesterday, for example (after 2 fire alarms in the night) I ended up sleeping in until after 3pm! I lay in bed for a long time after waking up not sure if I wanted to leave my bed, but made myself get up and vacuum my room before venturing out into town, doing my shopping, and returning to do my laundry. Doesn’t sound like much, but accomplishing tasks like that on days where I feel like that can be the most challenging thing to accomplish.
So that’s me this month, just trying to keep busy so I don’t completely fall off the deep end.
If any of you have any experiences with dealing with mental health at university tell me your story in the comments below because I’d love to know how you made it though.
Much love ❤