So here we are, this is my last post writing from home before I move to university at the end of September. Yup, my results came through and I officially have a place at university. Which is great. It’s everything I’ve been working towards for the past 2 years… Only now there’s something that makes me not want to leave.
So firstly I’m going to talk about my medication. Last month I wrote about my uncertainties of coming off of Sertraline after making the decision to come off of it. Last week I finally went to my local GP to re-up the dose back to 100mg from 50mg. My sleep pattern completely deteriorated over the course of last month. I’ve found it extremely difficult getting to sleep; even relaxation techniques have been inadequate.
Part of the problem has been the building stresses and anxieties of moving away, organising my course and accommodation, money and payments, the logistics of moving. I also guess the other part is I’m feeling sad about moving away from my girlfriend.
Our relationship is… complicated. She’s still technically married, but they both know the relationship is over and remain together out of convenience. We’ve been seeing each other for over a year now, and we knew from the start that I would be leaving, now the time is near it’s becoming more difficult for both of us. For her I guess she doesn’t want to leave because so much of her life is tied up in the marriage, to cut all that off would be to end every relationship she’s built since leaving home – friends, familial in-laws – For her to leave it would be to start her life all over again, and maybe she’s not ready for that. For me I wish she would leave with me, but I know she won’t.
And now I just don’t know how to end things. I know we both want to see each other still, but being over 100 miles apart is not exactly something that is viable. So now I think I feel stressed out about this because I don’t know how to end this. Will we still see each other, and if we do how will that work? If we stop seeing each other how will I feel about that? Am I okay with that?
The moral of the story here kids is don’t get involved in a complicated relationship…
…But given the chance, I’d do this all over again, no matter how this things ends.
She has been the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, and her presence in my life, no matter how terrible it seems on paper, has been a massive positive influence and got me through some tough times after Matt died last year. I wish that this could last forever, but sometimes some people enter your life at the exact right moment to get you through some tough shit, and then they leave. They give you what you need at a time when you’re in need.
As the great Walter “Heisenberg” White once said, “Things have a way of working themselves out.” I might not know what the future is going to bring for both of us, but I know that one way or another they’ll work out the way they’re supposed to be and I’ll be okay with it.
Much love ❤