July 2014: The Beginning is The End is The Beginning

Everybody just wants to be liked and accepted. Except for Tom. Tom Doesn't give a shit
Hello again!
Since my summer holidays began I’ve been on a hard earned rest, which for me involves sleeping late and bumming around the house like a slob. I have set myself very little to do, which is now becoming problematic as I look at the next 2 months and think, “what am I going to do with all this time?”.
So now I’m in job hunt/money-making/productivity mode. My first step: re-entering that hive of scum and villainy known as the “Jobcentre”. I discovered that whilst between college and university I am entitled to sign on and gain the benefits of the unemployed of the United Kingdom. This does require an individual to search for full-time work, but that’s not so much of an issue when I actually am looking for something to do to fill my time until university comes-a-knocking.
Let me in please, I'm not the mighty hunter I thought I was
On the other end of things I’m beginning to get back into writer mode to complete a script and a treatment for a few projects I’ve had on a back burner. My target is to really have these completed by mid-August, but realistically it could be the end of August, which again suits me fine as it’ll keep me busy.
I’ve also been pestering my mother to get a list together of jobs to do around the house before I leave home. So far this has led to cutting down a conifer tree in the front garden, washing down the front door and porch, to just general gardening and cleaning.
Consuella - No No... I Clean Shield Now
So things are getting busy again, and that’s a good thing.
Meanwhile, on the medication front, things have bee a little bit topsey-turvey. My mood has at times been slightly erratic lately, with my mind becoming increasingly more and more difficult to quiet at night, or even during quiet periods during the day. To me these reeks of medication issues – the side effects of reducing medication. I’m currently taking 50mg of Sertraline once at night. The idea was to reduce medication to the point where I’d be taking 50mg every other day before stopping all together. Currently I feel that I’m going to require another month at least on 50mg before considering switching to alternative days.
I’m also feeling uncertain about coming off medication at all. I’ve noticed old habits slipping back in (like sleeping past noon, and requiring sleep during the day) and so I wonder whether it would be beneficial for me to find a equilibrium on a low dose. Perhaps I’m wishful in that 50mg would be sufficient once the chemicals balance out to keep me in check and maybe I’m not wanting to be responsible for a portion of my health, but the other side of this could be that perhaps a reduction was all I needed to alleviate the side effects, and more importantly, perhaps the medication was still doing its job but I no longer noticed the positive physical effects.
So this likely means that I won’t be medication free by the end of august, and possibly not medication free at all this year. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s all a learning experience to figure out what my body needs to cope. Ultimately I’d like to not take medication, but if it had been helping me to maintain a better sleep pattern at the very least then surely I should consider remaining medicated.
Until next time, all of my love ❤️
Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly

May – June 2014: Hooked on a Feeling

It’s party time!

 

Yes, that’s right! I have finally returned! My sincerest apologies for the long absence, however the absence was necessary and much needed to allot more time to my studies — WHICH ARE FINALLY OVER!

It's Finally Over

Now all I’m doing is playing the waiting game for results, and hopefully in September I shall be moving onto university, finally! HUZZAH!

But what else has really been going on? In the months since I last wrote I’ve had ups and downs in my relationships, some not really helped by a weekend where I sunk into a deep depression around the end of May/beginning of June. I’m not really sure what triggered it, I think the stress of life just got on top of me, and I just didn’t want to have to deal with fighting my way out of depression. I also have a slight feeling that the reduction in medication may not have helped, however since then I’ve generally been okay, and I’m now on less medication than I was at the time.

From the last update, where I was taking 150mg Sertraline, I’ve now reduced down to 50mg with the intention of switching to every other day before finally stopping – which could be some time next month. I’m feeling a little anxious about this because I am fearful of not taking medication may result in a big relapse, whilst the reduction in medication has seen a reduction of side effects to a manageable level. The point really is that I’m trying to make is I want to try coming off, but maybe the high dosage wasn’t a good idea, and was perhaps something that I needed originally when I began the medication.Sam Winchester Demon Conspiracy

For now, I’ll see where things stand next month. These past few months have been emotionally draining (the loss of my grandfather, my girlfriend’s mother died, and finishing college – losing friends that I’ve made over the last few years to the real world because that’s life), and I struggle with the ideas of loss. I It’s something that has been working its way around my head for maybe 5 years or so, but I understand that one of my biggest issues is the fear of losing people and ending up completely alone. People dying or leaving my life because that’s where their life takes them feels like a frequent occurrence and I’ve never emotionally come to terms with the fact that this is life. I may be able to rationalize it, but the feeling is still there in the back of my mind and in my dreams at night.

 

Yet, with all this upheaval about to occur in my life – moving on from college life to university life, moving to a new city, moving away from friends/family/etc – It’s something that has been a long time coming, a goal that I have planned for and now one that I am likely to achieve, it’s me who is leaving. I’m the one abandoning this community I’ve lived in for so many years. I guess what I’m trying to say is that while I am feeling sad about so much right now, I’m proud that I’ve achieved one of my biggest life goals and am now likely to make it to college. I hope that my perseverance through the past 18 months to make it so far and so well will be making my Grandpa proud right now too.

So after all this time, I think it’s time I stepped things up a good bit around here. Over the summer I’ll be posting bi-monthly (insert childish giggle here) and looking mostly at what it’s like coming of off sertraline entirely. By the end of August I should have stopped entirely so updates will be made on life after sertraline.

So see you in 2 weeks! ❤

If you have a bad thought about yourself tell it to go to hell because that is exactly where it came from