So… This is awkward.
Many apologies to you, my dear reader! I seem to becoming less and less frequent with these, but to be honest I’m just dealing with a lot at the minute and I hate that this blog is suffering because of everything in real life.
So first up I’m going to talk about scattering ashes. Nope, not the local Midlands based ‘melodic metal’ band, I’m talking about people ashes, namely my Grandpa’s that we scattered mid-April. I’ve never been present when scattering someone’s ashes, I always kinda imagined things to go like The Big Lebowski when scattering them, a thought which was brought up more than once by family members during this. My Nan had decided to scatter the ashes along a local rural walk they had frequented since the 1960s at least. I was brought up with this area, and when I was told this was where he was to be scattered I cried. I knew how much it meant to him and our family.
The actual event itself was a nice affair. Most of the family was around, and we took a long walk around the fields scattering his remains at various locations. There were few tears; it was more upbeat than the funeral had been though with us talking among ourselves as we walked.
In all, I really miss my Grandpa, but I don’t feel as much about the loss as I had done with losing Matt last year. Maybe it’s more to do with the age difference, but there is a train of thought I’ve been having that suggests I tend to cope by forgetting. This means I really only remember when something reminds me about someone or something. I think this is also true of my memory of Matt. So much has faded lately that at times I feel like that had happened to someone else on TV or in a film and not to me. Someone told me that this happens a lot with people, but it’s also a kind of repression and not actually dealing with your emotions surrounding a bereavement.
It’s also kind of ironic that it is after another death that I’m making some changes in my medication. For the last few months I’ve felt a lot more stress and anxiety. Initially I thought it was due to stress and other issues that were going on, but after a discussion with my GP we came to realise it was more likely to be a medication issue and so my dose of Sertraline was increased from 100mg to 150mg. Upping a dose is hard. In weeks 2 – 4 I felt like complete dog shit. I didn’t want to get up, I felt incredibly low, and felt very sorry for myself. Afterwards things began to balance out chemically, but after 6 weeks I found there was no improvement in my feelings of anxiety. My body had become resistant to sertraline.
A consultation was had with the GP as to what medication to move on to next, but I decided that I want to try coming off medication altogether. The fear for me is becoming dependent and the anxieties I feel of late are actually linked to the medication rather than to my own neurosis. I also wanted to try being clear of medication before I go to university in late September. The worst case scenario is if this doesn’t work and I need putting back on something then I might find that I’m juggling introducing a new drug into my system around a time that I’m undergoing a huge change in my life.
Ultimately I’m confident that this is the right choice. Over the course of the past 3 years I have learned to be more logical and pragmatic about everything (it’s a coping strategy for me) and so I know that if anything does go wrong, I have a back up plan.
Speaking of back up plans (look, Ma! I did a segue!) I attended an open day at my back up university in Portsmouth. I’m kinda gonna bite off the hand that could possibly be feeding me for the next 3 years, but to be honest I really don’t feel that I’ll be attending this university. It looks great on paper, but the campus and lecturers left me feeling completely under whemed and unconfident about the organisation and running of their course. Portsmouth is also a nice place to visit, but some areas felt more remote than any village I’ve ever been to, this is considering Portsmouth is a city! So I’m almost 100% certain that if I don’t meet the criteria for getting into the University of Kent then I will not be attending University of Portsmouth either. Yup, it’s Kent or bust. All my eggs are in one basket. Time to come up with a back up to the back up.
This kind of brings me on to the final stretch of my college course. I have 6 weeks left and 5 units to complete. One is an animation that still needs to be filmed. Another is a music video that I have just decided to make because I couldn’t face making a documentary about Matt. I need at least 2 distinctions from these units to guarantee my DDD results and get into Kent. Failing that, I’m fucked. So come June I’m likely to have a few more grey hairs and no May update until after the deadlines for work submissions. So many apologies for those of you eagerly anticipating a new posting in 3 weeks time, but that may not be the case.
Send me loves, people. I’m gonna need all the help I can get at this point.
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