Things have been fairly quite recently – both here and in real life. Strangely quiet.
Whilst there’s not been many events that have occurred, in the past few days I’ve been mulling over something quite deeply personal.
Straight off the bat I want to say I don’t believe in fate and destiny or divine intervention, I do believe though that sometimes in life you get something that you need to get you through a specific point in your life.
I also want to remind readers at this stage how much I hate how this blog sounds really self serving and self centred at times, but I guess that’s the nature of what this blog was created for: to delve into my inner workings. And to help the NSA profile me further.
Regular readers are aware that I’m currently in a very complicated relationship with a married woman, whom I’ve nicknamed “Starbuck” for the purposes of this blog. She says it’s an open relationship, but I have my doubts. What I do know is that I feel like we’ve both been missing something or need something from each other and we’re both in some way or another using each other as some type of therapy to work out the issues going on in our own lives.
I won’t go into details about her struggles, but for me this feels like something that I’ve needed for awhile. Whilst initially I felt it was more about seeking comfort after Matt’s death, I’ve now begun thinking about it on a much grander scale.
So I’ve been thinking more and more about aspects of her personality and history that remind me of ex-girlfriends and relationships that never really manifested into anything and what they meant to me. Some examples – the town she grew up in was very near to where my last long term girlfriend came from, her sexuality is very similar to another long term relationship. Her style of glasses and shape of her face are similar to a girl who got away, which is only more reinforced by the fact that they are both married. Also this thing having originally beginning as a one night stand that has grown into something that was repeated and now into this is also reminiscent of some other quasi-painful experiences in my past.
Maybe I’m reading into this too much, a thing I know I’m prone to doing – but this really has taken on conspiracy theory levels of depth. In some ways it could be perceived as divine intervention or fate, but what would it all mean? What is this supposed to mean to me?
What I think is that I’m both looking at the events of my life far too deeply, but also at this bizarre relationship too deeply too. (Sounds like a sequel to Deep Blue Sea!) I think why I have been so torn about this thing is because subconsciously I felt I needed someone to be intimate with to help me work through some of my issues, and it has just been coincidence that it’s someone who shares so many similarities to my own experiences is cosmically insane to my brain.
I’m not sure when or how this relationship I have wound up in will end, but I do know that whenever it does end it will have made me readdress my some of the issues I had thought of as dead, and learnt how to move past them.