Weeks 78 & 79 – Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve)

Run Bro -- Happy one week anniversary

Things have been fairly quite recently – both here and in real life. Strangely quiet.

Whilst there’s not been many events that have occurred, in the past few days I’ve been mulling over something quite deeply personal.

Straight off the bat I want to say I don’t believe in fate and destiny or divine intervention, I do believe though that sometimes in life you get something that you need to get you through a specific point in your life.

I also want to remind readers at this stage how much I hate how this blog sounds really self serving and self centred at times, but I guess that’s the nature of what this blog was created for: to delve into my inner workings. And to help the NSA profile me further.

Tin foil over laptop - your move NSA

Regular readers are aware that I’m currently in a very complicated relationship with a married woman, whom I’ve nicknamed “Starbuck” for the purposes of this blog. She says it’s an open relationship, but I have my doubts. What I do know is that I feel like we’ve both been missing something or need something from each other and we’re both in some way or another using each other as some type of therapy to work out the issues going on in our own lives.

I won’t go into details about her struggles, but for me this feels like something that I’ve needed for awhile. Whilst initially I felt it was more about seeking comfort after Matt’s death, I’ve now begun thinking about it on a much grander scale.

So I’ve been thinking more and more about aspects of her personality and history that remind me of ex-girlfriends and relationships that never really manifested into anything and what they meant to me. Some examples – the town she grew up in was very near to where my last long term girlfriend came from, her sexuality is very similar to another long term relationship. Her style of glasses and shape of her face are similar to a girl who got away, which is only more reinforced by the fact that they are both married. Also this thing having originally beginning as a one night stand that has grown into something that was repeated and now into this is also reminiscent of some other quasi-painful experiences in my past.

Maybe I’m reading into this too much, a thing I know I’m prone to doing – but this really has taken on conspiracy theory levels of depth. In some ways it could be perceived as divine intervention or fate, but what would it all mean? What is this supposed to mean to me?

Remembering Something Awkward for 8 Years

What I think is that I’m both looking at the events of my life far too deeply, but also at this bizarre relationship too deeply too. (Sounds like a sequel to Deep Blue Sea!) I think why I have been so torn about this thing is because subconsciously I felt I needed someone to be intimate with to help me work through some of my issues, and it has just been coincidence that it’s someone who shares so many similarities to my own experiences is cosmically insane to my brain.

I’m not sure when or how this relationship I have wound up in will end, but I do know that whenever it does end it will have made me readdress my some of the issues I had thought of as dead, and learnt how to move past them.


You are living, you occupy space, you have a mass. You matter


Week 79 – School’s Out

This week’s post is sponsored by Game of Thrones memes.

A Lannister always pays his debts - for everything else there's Mastercard

This week I finished my first year of college. Things are actually looking pretty good grade wise, with a lot of comments from lecturers mentioning that I’m the best Film & TV student the college has had in a good number of years. This inflates my ego vastly.

To be fair to the rest of my class, I think I should mention that the standard of work they put out is just as good, if not better than, my own quality of work. I think there’s a lot of potential there for a lot of us to go into the industry when we finish next year.

I’m struggling this week with topics to discuss. I don’t want to retread over last week’s entry and to be honest this week has mostly been about finishing my final project, which was a music video. So really I’ve had very little time for anything else at this point.

Crows before Hoes

So this is really going to be one of those short ones where I sort of shrug, post numerous memes, and wax lyrically about stuff I’ve been proud of completing. I think though it might be worth exploring what I’m aiming to do over the long summer holiday…

Day and Jorah secretly judge outfits

So I’ve kind of been dreading the break because I was worried I wouldn’t have much of anything to do (especially as I still find myself without a part-time job). I have, however, found myself coming up with more and more things that I want to do, and the best way to express this is to list them!

  • Complete a script and begin working on production planning for a YouTube channel.
  • Publish posts regularly on my media blog
  • Begin looking into routes to producing/directing in TV and film.
  • Finish reading Mark Kermode’s “It’s Only a Movie” which was bought for my birthday last October.
  • Update media CV; look for work experience in media.
  • Return to the gym regularly.
  • Tweak and update 2 assignments from college to improve grades.
  • Find part-time work.

I don’t hold a lot of hope for that last one, but still – I fucking need money, bad!

 I’ve wanted to get this YouTube channel off the ground for some time now, and maybe now is the right time. My mind is in the right place, all the pieces are there. I just need to get something tangible out. I also need to start getting into work mode by getting myself out there, and showcasing my own talents and abilities – thus the blog/work experience/YouTube stuff. Other than that it’s just about keeping me healthy and preoccupied until September. I definitely feel like I’m in a good place right now. I’ve not really felt down, depressed, or suicidal in a while and I want to use the clarity of thought to actually be proactive with my time instead of sleeping/drinking it away.

I should buy a direwolf

I’ve probably jinxed it all now, with the best laid plans n’ all… Still, I feel excited about this time off and the possibilities of what can come from this.

Jest of Thrones - The Lannisters send their regards

If you’re so inclined, you can view my final project for this year below.