Weeks 73 & 74 – Good Times, Bad Times

Stop trying to make 'Jif' happen. It's never going to happen

Wow, so this is becoming a little fortnightly. I do apologise once again for the tardiness of new updates, and I don’t even know why these have been coming in so late… lately. I don’t think it’s necessarily down to depression or anxiety, I think I kind of feel like I’ve got nothing of worth to really talk about these days – which in itself may be signs of depression, but then that’s perhaps an attempt at finding excuses.

I guess it goes back to what I’ve been writing about for the last 6 weeks (?) of feeling entirely unmotivated. I’ve all but stopped going to the gym, I’m not really concentrating on college work, even friendships to some degree or another are suffering.

But I don’t want to rehash previous posts. The bottom line is I’m stuck in a kind of rut that I need to pull out from.

On the bright side – it looks like the weather is finally improving, which should also be indicative of a change in my mood! Huzzah!

Summer is Coming
Summer is Coming

 

Yes, if you, like I, tend to find dark skies and poor weather go hand in hand with a slump in your mood, then you too may also find relief in warmer and sunnier weather!

Not that I’ve been out in the sun much, being a hermit of late and all, but its mere presence has been influential over the last few days. It makes me sad that I really have no plans to do anything with anyone whilst the weather is good, but I’m taking the good with the bad, like Dan Harmon returning to Community on the same day Matt Smith announces he’s leaving Doctor Who.

Supernatural - Of course I'm fine 

I’m also looking ahead to the summer, which again makes me sad that I have no plans. So that’s something that I need to work on. But that also means I have to learn how to re-motivate myself again. *Sigh* Depression – such a vicious bastard of a cycle.

I realise at this point into this update that I have a lot of things I want to talk about, the rise of the EDL after Woolwich, a few incidents that have occurred in my life over the past few weeks, the 5th anniversary of my 1st suicide attempt, Matt Smith leaving Doctor Who, but I think this blog can be generally quite depressing – even in the lightest of posts. So I want to end this with something up beat that happened this week.

This week was my parent’s wedding anniversary. My mother is the hardest worker I know, she works full time as well as taking care of my disabled father, her youngest son, and her mentally retarded eldest (me). She had been looking forward to this anniversary as she had booked a few days away down to the south coast with my dad. Unfortunately her aunt passed away the week before and the funeral was due to take place the day after they went away. She was beside herself with guilt and worry – She wanted to go to the funeral, but she didn’t want to cancel the holiday because she had been working to the point of exhaustion for months.

The suddenness of the death meant that cancelling the trip would have meant losing money and not being able to get away again at all this year. Ultimately, with her eldest brother out of the city as well, I told her to go, and that I’d take care of the grandparents and anything else that might come up.

Now I’m not blowing my own trumpet here, what I’m saying is that after 2 years of basically being in a fetal position I stepped back up to becoming a responsible adult. It’s not a massive change (I’m currently writing this latest entry in my pyjamas) but maybe; just maybe, it’s showing that there is still potential to pull my life back together and live life like any other normal person does.

Take care, guys.

The lonliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest.

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