Weeks 76-77-78 – Communication Breakdown

Boy Fuck Things Up, Girls Are Fucked Up

Okay, this is going to sound really bad.

I was kind of hoping that taking a bit of a break may elicit a more upbeat post. Sadly, I must say, that I’ve spent the last 3 weeks continuing to do more of the same.

Look, I’m not going to sugar coat what has happened this month, but I also don’t want to retread over it all again. I’m disappointed enough with myself. On what could maybe be considered a plus side of things; remember that person I slept with at the start of the month? Yeah, we’re still hooking up.

Frankly my dear I don't give a Dean

I’m going to go ahead and assume that you either just screamed “WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!” at the screen, or now you can’t read this because you just punched your screen. Firstly, I’m entirely flattered that you care this much to express such a response. Secondly, I know, I’m setting myself up for a whole world of hurt.

The thing about this is though, it’s actually not as seedy as it originally seemed. Yes, she is married, but the marriage is an open one. So essentially I’m now finding myself in some weird-y polygamous relationship.

I tried to end it before anything serious began to develop – i.e. emotional ties – but found myself being talked back into it a day later by Starbuck (for the sake of preserving privacy I may have changed her name) who promised that it wasn’t hurting her marriage, but that she also wouldn’t hurt me.

You have amazing reflexes - I'm like a Ninja, or Helo in BSG

Now, I know this is probably going to end really badly, i.e. in me getting hurt, but I think in some strange way that the dynamic of this thing is actually something I needed – no overwhelming commitments, just two people coming together and enjoying each other’s company for a few hours.

Okay, that sounds really bad.

Bitches Love Chaos Theory

Look, I think what I’m trying to say is that I’ve felt desperately lonely at different times over the past 6 months, maybe even longer, but what ever this thing is, it is exactly what I need right now – even though I know deep down that there is no longevity to relationships this complex.

Weirdly I actually feel fine with that.

To Be Old and Wise You Must First Be Young and Stupid

Week 75 – Sabotage

What causes the most problems in Greek mythology

Ok, I’m going to be flat out honest here, I very nearly didn’t write this latest entry. With recent events and as anonymously I think I write this diary, I had to seriously think about how I was going to write this. Do I put something out in the public domain for all time for something I did to be judged, or do I write something bullshitty and tripe and maybe talk about sunshine and lollypops?

OK, look, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’ve come to realise I might not necessarily be in as good a place as I thought, and I think I have a serious problem. I don’t think this is a depression and anxiety problem (although that does come into play) but I think it’s a problem that may be worth discussing.

I have written about alcohol being an issue for me. Like for many sufferers of depression, the hangovers from booze can have severely negative consequences bringing some of the lowest lows you can ever experience in life. Regardless of knowing this and regularly experiencing this whilst drinking I still continue to drink. At points I’ve considered quitting, at other points I’ve tried to at the very least lower my intake, but lo and behold I still end up binge drinking at least once every few weeks. I just don’t seem to understand how to be in a social environment and be sober.

Drink away all of the depression

This is nothing new. I’ve known for the longest time that I struggle at social events without a drink in hand; almost think of me like Raj from The Big Bang Theory… Except I can talk to girls sober, just not necessarily that well.

So I’ve been out twice in the last 2 weeks. On both occasions I got exceptionally drunk, wound up in a weird situation, ended up back at someone’s home, compromising my morals, and returning home with the sun high in the sky. The first night I found myself experimenting with one of many substances I swore I would never do (I really don’t want to go into specifics on this) and the second night I wound up spending the night with a married woman. No, she wasn’t an older woman. No, I don’t mean we stayed up all night talking.

I'm so sorry, Doctor. It's a fixed point in time.
I’m so sorry, Doctor. It’s a fixed point in time.

Usually when I drink it lowers my inhibitions enough that I still have some self control over certain situations: I’ve never begun a fist fight whilst drunk, I’ve never been a sex pest in a bar – I’ve always been able to retain the morals I keep in high regard.

But this, I just don’t even know where to begin. This is like I was some other person on both these nights, with an over inflated ego and confidence you’d only see in a cowboy movie. Just… Who was this person, and how the hell did this happen?!

Seriously. I’m just speechless with myself. My hangover the last few days has replayed all these events over and over to the point where I don’t think I’ve ever hated myself as much as I do right now. I’m not pissed for having a one night stand; I’m pissed at myself for sleeping with a married woman for Christsake! And drugs?! What the fuck?! I don’t need something that’s going to fuck with my mind when my mind is already fucked!!!

I’m just so angry with myself. I’m also entirely angry that for moments on both those nights I actually felt proud of myself. Who the fuck is proud of doing these sorts of things?! An arsehole, that’s who! GRRRRR!!!!

If I believed in heaven and hell I’d know for sure now that I’d be going there. I honestly used to believe I was a good person. Now I know I’m the worst.

Normally being hungover means copious amounts of undeserved self loathing. This time it is all well earned. I’m not looking for pity, I’m not writing a suicide note, I’m just saying this because I always said that here, on this little WordPress blog I’d always be honest.

So if I’ve let anyone down this time, I’m sorry. I’ll try and make things up to you for the rest of my long ass natural life – because we all know that only the good die young.

Peering over the curtain

Weeks 73 & 74 – Good Times, Bad Times

Stop trying to make 'Jif' happen. It's never going to happen

Wow, so this is becoming a little fortnightly. I do apologise once again for the tardiness of new updates, and I don’t even know why these have been coming in so late… lately. I don’t think it’s necessarily down to depression or anxiety, I think I kind of feel like I’ve got nothing of worth to really talk about these days – which in itself may be signs of depression, but then that’s perhaps an attempt at finding excuses.

I guess it goes back to what I’ve been writing about for the last 6 weeks (?) of feeling entirely unmotivated. I’ve all but stopped going to the gym, I’m not really concentrating on college work, even friendships to some degree or another are suffering.

But I don’t want to rehash previous posts. The bottom line is I’m stuck in a kind of rut that I need to pull out from.

On the bright side – it looks like the weather is finally improving, which should also be indicative of a change in my mood! Huzzah!

Summer is Coming
Summer is Coming

 

Yes, if you, like I, tend to find dark skies and poor weather go hand in hand with a slump in your mood, then you too may also find relief in warmer and sunnier weather!

Not that I’ve been out in the sun much, being a hermit of late and all, but its mere presence has been influential over the last few days. It makes me sad that I really have no plans to do anything with anyone whilst the weather is good, but I’m taking the good with the bad, like Dan Harmon returning to Community on the same day Matt Smith announces he’s leaving Doctor Who.

Supernatural - Of course I'm fine 

I’m also looking ahead to the summer, which again makes me sad that I have no plans. So that’s something that I need to work on. But that also means I have to learn how to re-motivate myself again. *Sigh* Depression – such a vicious bastard of a cycle.

I realise at this point into this update that I have a lot of things I want to talk about, the rise of the EDL after Woolwich, a few incidents that have occurred in my life over the past few weeks, the 5th anniversary of my 1st suicide attempt, Matt Smith leaving Doctor Who, but I think this blog can be generally quite depressing – even in the lightest of posts. So I want to end this with something up beat that happened this week.

This week was my parent’s wedding anniversary. My mother is the hardest worker I know, she works full time as well as taking care of my disabled father, her youngest son, and her mentally retarded eldest (me). She had been looking forward to this anniversary as she had booked a few days away down to the south coast with my dad. Unfortunately her aunt passed away the week before and the funeral was due to take place the day after they went away. She was beside herself with guilt and worry – She wanted to go to the funeral, but she didn’t want to cancel the holiday because she had been working to the point of exhaustion for months.

The suddenness of the death meant that cancelling the trip would have meant losing money and not being able to get away again at all this year. Ultimately, with her eldest brother out of the city as well, I told her to go, and that I’d take care of the grandparents and anything else that might come up.

Now I’m not blowing my own trumpet here, what I’m saying is that after 2 years of basically being in a fetal position I stepped back up to becoming a responsible adult. It’s not a massive change (I’m currently writing this latest entry in my pyjamas) but maybe; just maybe, it’s showing that there is still potential to pull my life back together and live life like any other normal person does.

Take care, guys.

The lonliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest.