Okay, this is going to sound really bad.
I was kind of hoping that taking a bit of a break may elicit a more upbeat post. Sadly, I must say, that I’ve spent the last 3 weeks continuing to do more of the same.
Look, I’m not going to sugar coat what has happened this month, but I also don’t want to retread over it all again. I’m disappointed enough with myself. On what could maybe be considered a plus side of things; remember that person I slept with at the start of the month? Yeah, we’re still hooking up.
I’m going to go ahead and assume that you either just screamed “WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!” at the screen, or now you can’t read this because you just punched your screen. Firstly, I’m entirely flattered that you care this much to express such a response. Secondly, I know, I’m setting myself up for a whole world of hurt.
The thing about this is though, it’s actually not as seedy as it originally seemed. Yes, she is married, but the marriage is an open one. So essentially I’m now finding myself in some weird-y polygamous relationship.
I tried to end it before anything serious began to develop – i.e. emotional ties – but found myself being talked back into it a day later by Starbuck (for the sake of preserving privacy I may have changed her name) who promised that it wasn’t hurting her marriage, but that she also wouldn’t hurt me.
Now, I know this is probably going to end really badly, i.e. in me getting hurt, but I think in some strange way that the dynamic of this thing is actually something I needed – no overwhelming commitments, just two people coming together and enjoying each other’s company for a few hours.
Okay, that sounds really bad.
Look, I think what I’m trying to say is that I’ve felt desperately lonely at different times over the past 6 months, maybe even longer, but what ever this thing is, it is exactly what I need right now – even though I know deep down that there is no longevity to relationships this complex.
Weirdly I actually feel fine with that.