Weeks 71 and 72 – Looking Through the Glass

Pics 008

That’s right, I wear glasses now. Glasses are cool. This also means I now have the right to complain about stuff to do with glasses like, how they irritate the bridge of my nose, or how they steam up when you walk into a warm building after being outside in the cold, and even about how I’ve lost my glasses and need to find them.

I wish I could google anything and google would find my glasses

Yup, nice to be able to complain about stuff, because it’s not like complaining isn’t what I do at all with this. Ever. No sir.

Alfred, that sandwich was awful

But I digress, because life imitates art somewhat, and I have digressed a lot over the past several weeks. I’ve been distracted and have procrastinated; I’ve hardly done any work at college. If anything I’m working at the bare minimum level, which is ok because (arrogantly) even my worst work is still kind of good work. But that’s not something that I really need to be sinking into this late into the year. I’m almost at the half way point and I’m beginning to trail off the path I set out on.

Avengers - You should be studying

I’m not saying that I’m even feeling low or anything, I’m simply feeling unmotivated. There’s still a huge lack of self-confidence and self-esteem within myself, so on some level I’m kind of worried that regardless of how well I do in college and what type of connections I make that I will still wind up working in some bullshit job making a crap wage I can barely live on.

It’s just a weird feeling. I’ve also been thinking about whether this new attitude is related to my recent medication changes. It’s been about 8 weeks since I began on Sertraline and I feel pretty good now. I don’t find it so hard waking up, if anything I feel more energetic and seem to be having a better relationship with everyone around me. These are good things, but why am I so unmotivated to be doing college work or even keeping up with this blog? I’m sure regular readers will have noticed how my updates have been sporadic as of late.

But I am thinking aloud, bouncing ideas and thoughts around here. Sometimes it’s easier to put things into a sentence to help organise thoughts and feelings.

I've got my thinking cat on

I guess, retrospectively speaking, it feels like every time I solve one riddle another one appears. This ultimately segues us back to the complaining. I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this, but I’m going to complain about complaining!

This is a new low.

I think with all my neuroses I just tend to worry an awful lot about things that are just irrelevant, even about the amount of whining and moaning I do. Whilst a lot of it may not be publicly stated, it goes on within my own head and on here far too much. I find myself repeating a lot of things like “If only I could…” or “Why can’t I…/Why did I…”

I think this is a symptom in some ways to my own issues with confidence and self esteem; that I have to question everything I’ve ever done because I have some colossal compulsion to do the right or correct thing every time.

I’m not even sure where I’m going with this is going. See – distracted! Better insert a meme whilst I figure out what I’m trying to say…

Don't worry, I'm from tech support

I guess what this is all meant to say is really that I feel so lost lately, and in other ways I feel so incredibly alone, that I just don’t quite know what to do with myself. I do realise this is really a contradiction to what I said earlier about relationships being better, but I don’t know how much of that is really through me being genuine or if I’m actually putting up a façade to improve my external perception.

The bottom line is this then: I care too much. I complain because I worry, I worry because I care. So I need to fix that. I need to care less.

RDJ - Three Rules for Life


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