Weeks 71 and 72 – Looking Through the Glass

Pics 008

That’s right, I wear glasses now. Glasses are cool. This also means I now have the right to complain about stuff to do with glasses like, how they irritate the bridge of my nose, or how they steam up when you walk into a warm building after being outside in the cold, and even about how I’ve lost my glasses and need to find them.

I wish I could google anything and google would find my glasses

Yup, nice to be able to complain about stuff, because it’s not like complaining isn’t what I do at all with this. Ever. No sir.

Alfred, that sandwich was awful

But I digress, because life imitates art somewhat, and I have digressed a lot over the past several weeks. I’ve been distracted and have procrastinated; I’ve hardly done any work at college. If anything I’m working at the bare minimum level, which is ok because (arrogantly) even my worst work is still kind of good work. But that’s not something that I really need to be sinking into this late into the year. I’m almost at the half way point and I’m beginning to trail off the path I set out on.

Avengers - You should be studying

I’m not saying that I’m even feeling low or anything, I’m simply feeling unmotivated. There’s still a huge lack of self-confidence and self-esteem within myself, so on some level I’m kind of worried that regardless of how well I do in college and what type of connections I make that I will still wind up working in some bullshit job making a crap wage I can barely live on.

It’s just a weird feeling. I’ve also been thinking about whether this new attitude is related to my recent medication changes. It’s been about 8 weeks since I began on Sertraline and I feel pretty good now. I don’t find it so hard waking up, if anything I feel more energetic and seem to be having a better relationship with everyone around me. These are good things, but why am I so unmotivated to be doing college work or even keeping up with this blog? I’m sure regular readers will have noticed how my updates have been sporadic as of late.

But I am thinking aloud, bouncing ideas and thoughts around here. Sometimes it’s easier to put things into a sentence to help organise thoughts and feelings.

I've got my thinking cat on

I guess, retrospectively speaking, it feels like every time I solve one riddle another one appears. This ultimately segues us back to the complaining. I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this, but I’m going to complain about complaining!

This is a new low.

I think with all my neuroses I just tend to worry an awful lot about things that are just irrelevant, even about the amount of whining and moaning I do. Whilst a lot of it may not be publicly stated, it goes on within my own head and on here far too much. I find myself repeating a lot of things like “If only I could…” or “Why can’t I…/Why did I…”

I think this is a symptom in some ways to my own issues with confidence and self esteem; that I have to question everything I’ve ever done because I have some colossal compulsion to do the right or correct thing every time.

I’m not even sure where I’m going with this is going. See – distracted! Better insert a meme whilst I figure out what I’m trying to say…

Don't worry, I'm from tech support

I guess what this is all meant to say is really that I feel so lost lately, and in other ways I feel so incredibly alone, that I just don’t quite know what to do with myself. I do realise this is really a contradiction to what I said earlier about relationships being better, but I don’t know how much of that is really through me being genuine or if I’m actually putting up a façade to improve my external perception.

The bottom line is this then: I care too much. I complain because I worry, I worry because I care. So I need to fix that. I need to care less.

RDJ - Three Rules for Life

Weeks 68 – 69 (giggity) – 70

Young Frankenstein - It's Alive

So I’ve been a little AWOL for a while. No sugar coating, no bullshit, it’s just been a bit of a rough time.

I have, for the most part, felt good and not felt down or depressed. I think the best way to describe it as anxiety. I apologise to the regular reader here, but for those not in the loop, I’ve recently changed medication from Mirtazapine to Sertraline and have been documenting the effects for the last several entries (which you can read here, here and here as well as other entries. Go read them. Now).

So again, to recap, I’ve been feeling less depressed than I probably have been, but more anxious than I really have been. Also I’ve experienced an increasing number of side effects, the most recent of which was headaches and pains around my eyes. What I should probably mention about now is that I’ve been meaning to get my eyes tested for about a year now as I haven’t been tested in about 5 years. So basically instead of dismissing the headaches/eye pain as a symptom of Sertraline side effects I booked myself in for a check up. Turns out it wasn’t a reaction to the new tablets, but shockingly I, in fact, need glasses.

So, yeah. I wear glasses now. Glasses are cool. (Photo of new glasses to be uploaded as soon as they arrive)

Fezes are cool

So besides that I’ve just generally felt unwell for the past few weeks, I’ve been finding it extremely difficult to concentrate. I can’t seem to focus to sit down to complete assignments (nor new posts for this blog). It’s not even like I’ve felt like I’ve done nothing. In part it feels a lot like I’ve procrastinated for the last 3 weeks or so but it’s not even that. It’s like a feeling of restlessness.

Any how, I had a check up with my Doctor this week, where we discussed the issues I’ve been experiencing and it was decided between us to up my dose of Sertraline from 50mg to 100mg.

So yaaay…

Old Vulcan proverb... only Beyonce can go to Cuba

So this week I’ve pretty much been at an all stop. Consciously choosing not to go into college, or write, or go to the gym, or do much of anything other than finally watching Arrested Development on Netflix.

This is usually the point of an update where I’d say, “but now the fog is clearing and everything is getting better”. Again, no bullshit, I’m feeling better knowing that stuff is being done to physically help me, but right now the battle is within me to motivate myself.

Tomorrow is a Bank Holiday here in the UK, which means I’ve got an extra day off college. I’ve got about 3 units of my course to get back on top of, but the first thing I’m planning to do tomorrow is to get back to the gym – wonky eyes or not.

Yup, I’m beating the same drum I always beat – Keep to a routine.

Stay classy…

(I really need my own sign off phrase)

Utah cave painting from 5000 B.C. looks totally like the TARDIS