I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was changing medication. The crux of this is I need to reduce my current medication until I am at a low enough dose to introduce the new medication.
What this seems to have done is throw my current medication, mirtazapine, into death throes. Anxiety levels increased, sleep has been erratic, and night time hallucinations have occurred. Now, this is not a piece to say “medication is bad, m’kay”, but I kind of wanted to share what can happen if you come off your meds, even when supervised. I kind of wonder if this is what happens to people being weaned off them experience, what do people who suddenly stop experience?
This is essentially what is possibly the closest I’ll ever get to understanding withdrawal from illegal substances.
On the plus side, since the introduction of the new drug (or perhaps the coincidence of the smallest dose in 2 years of mirtazapine) I’ve felt slightly more awake in the last few days. Less drowsy in the mornings, which is what I was really hoping for.
Hopefully the next few days will provide some better insight as to whether this is a permanent change I can actually look forward to.
In other notable news: I’ve finally caught back up with my college work – nearly 8 weeks later. HUZZAH! I laugh now, but it’s been exceptionally hard work, especially to keep going in. Through the death of my friend and now the changes in my medication it would have been easy to lay down and die, but I now have the Goonie mantra – Never say die.
I write this a lot about fighting through depression. There are only really 2 ways to think about it if we’re honest, it is fight or die. I’ve wanted to die a lot over the years and none more so than these past few months. I’ve really wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and just die. “Fuck the world, and fuck this!” I kept thinking, “I don’t belong here, I shouldn’t be here.” I’ve had a lot of inner demons trying to convince me I’m a worthless sack of meat, but the only person who’s the boss of me is, well, me.
So I guess what I’m really trying to say is, life sucks. Life is a struggle. Life is struggle. I found myself using a quote from a favourite TV show of mine recently. It was a kind of philosophical thing that will run around my head from time to time, and maybe it’s something that has been said more eloquently by actual philosophers, but unfortunately my Google-Fu isn’t strong enough to yield results.
The quote is this, albeit paraphrased, “Life is a great wheel. Sometimes it grinds you down into the mud, and other times it lifts you up into the light.” The point is, life has its ups and downs. Yes it can be really shitty, but when it’s good it can be good. You’ve just got to wait for the wheel.
See, I knew I could get another Farscape quote in this blog at some point, but that shouldn’t detract from the meaning. El Oh El. ROTFLCOPTER.
So with this piece deteriorating, I’m going to beam out of here and leave you with a great quote from another nerd, Gene Roddenberry. Thanks for stopping by, and never say die. Live long and may the force be with you, always.