Week 58

These past 6 weeks have probably been some of the worst of my life. I don’t quite know how to explain how I’ve been feeling, other than to say I’ve experienced terrible grief all the way through to terrible numbness. I’m at the point now where I just don’t know how to think any more about anything. This is ultimately affecting my college work where I’m struggling to think critically, which also affects whether I’m submitting any work at all. I think what distresses me most is this auto-pilot I seem to be on, almost coasting through life, saying the right things at the right time because they are the right pre-programmed responses.

I know everyone deals with grief differently, and I’ve experienced my fair share of grief over the years, but what surprises me about this is just how different this has been to anything I’ve ever felt. When I lost my uncle 10 years ago, it was something that really stopped me dead in my tracks and made me question everything I ever knew about anything. Now I just feel… Numb. Completely numb.

Quick, insert a cat pic to lighten the tone!
Quick, insert a cat pic to lighten the tone!

So what I’ve been trying to do, as I have been doing for the last few weeks, is to get back into routines. Keep active, keep busy. Some days it’s the last thing I want to do. Some days I barely want to get out of bed (although, to be fair, that’s more likely to do with the insomnia I’ve been experiencing since the funeral), but the thing is that I know that if I give in and not get out of bed it’ll be a long time before I ever get back out of bed again.

I think this calls for another cat pic.
I think this calls for another cat pic.

Before my friend died I remember watching 2 films starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. One was 50/50 – a film that my friend and I found we related really well to. The other was (500) Days of Summer. Towards the end of the film there’s a montage of Godon-Levitt’s character, Tom, putting his life back together and moving on with his life. The song played over it is the one I’m going to leave you with. I’ve been a big fan of Wolfmother for years and this scene was perfect for the song, and now whenever I’m thinking about how I’m going to move on with my life after this – this is the song I’m thinking of.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThtGuKy27qk

Thanks for reading.

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