Week 60

Part of the reason why I do this diary is to have a frame of reference, something to remind me of what I’ve accomplished over the course of a week. Sometimes I forget that, like this week. I’ve been trying to think what it was that I have done this week, what I’ve accomplished and felt like I had in fact accomplished very little. This is not true.

It's Simple, We Kill The Pac-Man

So to begin: I’ve been asking myself the question, “What is wrong with me?” All this week I’ve felt like I’ve been in a bit of a funk, not really wanting to do much, struggling to do any work at all (as it stands I’m still behind, with classes beginning again Monday). I’ve just had no motivation. Even with the gym, I’ve not gone as much as I would have liked.

So, “what is wrong with me?”

I’ve thought about this a lot and I think I could reel off a lot of excuses: My best friend’s dead, I’m behind on work, I feel worthless, I’m no good at anything, no one cares about me.  – This is what depression is, it’s your mind beating you up to the point where you feel like a bag of crap. Sometimes it’s really hard to remind yourself that what your mind is saying is completely fabricated bullshit. It uses your memories and twists them into something to use against you. I really fucking hate that it does that, and if I could I’ve have a Superman Vs Clark Kent contest with myself, like in Superman III. But, I can’t (even though I know I’d win in a punch up – screw you brain!) so what I have to do is keep telling myself it is wrong, and that I am worth something, and  I can accomplish things.

King Kong - The Empire Strikes Back

 So that brings me back to my goals, what have I actually achieved this week?

Firstly, after my friend went into the hospice I stopped playing pool with the club we played for. Not permanently, but because I couldn’t face playing whilst he was ill. After he passed away I didn’t know whether or not I would return, even though the Captain asked me to return. Still, I couldn’t face it, but this time it was because it was my best friend who talked me into joining, and somehow it didn’t feel right playing without him. Besides, I had a gut feeling that if I did play I’d end up bawling all over the table. But I knew that I wanted to return, not so much for him, but for myself. I know from my past experiences that things like this make me give up on things, and if I gave this up then what else would be next? Friendships? College? My life? I needed to return. This past Monday I did, and even though I ended up not having to play, I knew that by still being involved I was overcoming something within myself.

WhaleCeption

Finally this week, I also dealt with my medication issues. I met with my GP about changing my medication and we agreed that the length of time I’ve been on Mirtazapine coupled with the side effects meant I should move onto a new drug, Sertraline. After some phone calls to pharmaceutical professionals, he worked out that it was best to reduce the Mirtazapine from 45 mg, to 30 mg for 2 weeks, followed by 15 mg of Mirtazapine and 50 mg of Sertraline 2 weeks after that. The dosage seems higher, but he seems confident that there would be fewer side effects (No weight gain! No sedative effect! Woohoo!) and it would manage my anxiety and depression as well as the Mirtazapine has.

I’m now 3 days into the new dosage of 30 mg, I can feel myself becoming more anxious when I’m going to bed, but overall I feel that I can cope with this and will push myself through until the new medication settles into my system.

So what have I accomplished this week? Not a lot by any means, but enough to know that I have accomplished goals. See you all next week (provided no more asteroids make a beeline for us).

The asteroid missed. There's always next time

Advertisements

Week 59

Scumbag DNA...
Scumbag DNA…

Hello again!

I’m gonna cut quickly to the chase this week. I’ve had a lot of mood swings this week. I’ve gone from being incredibly happy to being incredibly irritable or low. This has lead to a variety of conflicts within the home, although I’m happy to say that I understand when I am being unfair or out of order, and will apologise after the event for my behaviour. Which shows how much more mature I am compared to some of my friends and family. But I’m not going to rag on them. Wankers.

No Sam, Not The Impala

Regardless, my emotional rollercoaster of a week has made me realise that the medication I’ve been on for the past 20 months is not really doing the job it should be. I spoke at the start of the year about how I’m still struggling with sleep, the sedative effect mirtazapine has on my body, and how difficult it is to wake up. I’ve begun to notice a pattern with the sedative effect of the medication, with incidents occurring more frequently around times of stress. Earlier this week, after several days of stress trying to submit assignments for college, I slept for 15 hours with experiences of vivid dreams and restlessness. This meant I missed college that day. I can’t afford to miss college, and I think it’s time I either came of medication completely, or move onto something else. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP to review my treatment, so I’ll see what they recommend. I think I would prefer to come off the medication and onto something else entirely as I’m fairly certain the cause of my anxiety and depression is a chemical imbalance.

Embarrassing Moment from 10 Years ago Y U No Stop Haunting Me When I Remember You

Anyway, I’ve sacked off a lot of my college work this week after the submissions in favour of gym time. I managed to get in 4 times this week which has left my body feeling tired, but productive. I’m off college for the next week now, which means I’ve got time to catch up on some of the assignments I fell behind on over January, but also frees up more gym time. The gym has probably been the most helpful thing that I’ve been doing since my friend died. It’s given me something to leave the house for, but also a sense of accomplishment. I’ve noticed a bit of weight loss, I tried on an old pair of jeans that a few months ago I wouldn’t have fit into, now there’s room and a lot of change. This has probably given me the biggest boost this month to my morale. It shows that if I put my mind to something, slowly but surely I’ll accomplish my goals.

So that’s about it really. I’m just trying to get on with life. We don’t see eye to eye, but we’ve got to try.

OH! I almost forgot! That blog thing I’ve wanted to write for my friend? I finally managed to do it. You can read it here.

See you all next week.

Memory Foam Remembers Everything

Week 58

These past 6 weeks have probably been some of the worst of my life. I don’t quite know how to explain how I’ve been feeling, other than to say I’ve experienced terrible grief all the way through to terrible numbness. I’m at the point now where I just don’t know how to think any more about anything. This is ultimately affecting my college work where I’m struggling to think critically, which also affects whether I’m submitting any work at all. I think what distresses me most is this auto-pilot I seem to be on, almost coasting through life, saying the right things at the right time because they are the right pre-programmed responses.

I know everyone deals with grief differently, and I’ve experienced my fair share of grief over the years, but what surprises me about this is just how different this has been to anything I’ve ever felt. When I lost my uncle 10 years ago, it was something that really stopped me dead in my tracks and made me question everything I ever knew about anything. Now I just feel… Numb. Completely numb.

Quick, insert a cat pic to lighten the tone!
Quick, insert a cat pic to lighten the tone!

So what I’ve been trying to do, as I have been doing for the last few weeks, is to get back into routines. Keep active, keep busy. Some days it’s the last thing I want to do. Some days I barely want to get out of bed (although, to be fair, that’s more likely to do with the insomnia I’ve been experiencing since the funeral), but the thing is that I know that if I give in and not get out of bed it’ll be a long time before I ever get back out of bed again.

I think this calls for another cat pic.
I think this calls for another cat pic.

Before my friend died I remember watching 2 films starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. One was 50/50 – a film that my friend and I found we related really well to. The other was (500) Days of Summer. Towards the end of the film there’s a montage of Godon-Levitt’s character, Tom, putting his life back together and moving on with his life. The song played over it is the one I’m going to leave you with. I’ve been a big fan of Wolfmother for years and this scene was perfect for the song, and now whenever I’m thinking about how I’m going to move on with my life after this – this is the song I’m thinking of.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThtGuKy27qk

Thanks for reading.

Week 57

This entire blog should just probably come with a trigger warning.

Onomatopoeia - It's Exactly What It Sounds Like

This week was my best friend’s funeral, which kind of sounds like the title to an awful Adam Sandler flick. I don’t honestly know how I’ve actually made it through this, but somehow I have. There’s no words that have given me solace, no shoulder that’s big enough to cry on, but some how I’ve made it through to this weekend completely alone.

I should probably give some credit to my college for arranging the recording of a podcast at a big radio station this week. Fortunately the recording of the podcast coincided with the band Biffy Clyro recording a live session who we also got to meet after their performance. We were also fortunate enough to interview another local band for our podcast. In a month that has been entirely full of suckiness, this was a day I really needed to remind me what of the good things in life.

Parenting - You're Doing it Right

With that all said, I think it’s only now that this is all hitting me. I’ve put on a brave face for the last 2 weeks, hiding behind smiles and inappropriate jokes, and now it’s all coming down on me like a ton of bricks. The funeral was a nice affair. I was given the opportunity to be a part of the ceremony, carrying my friend for the last time. The minister read a great obituary that was written by my friend’s mother. There were also some nice relevant poems read too.

I guess this whole thing has just felt beyond surreal. I’ve barely been able to string together an original thought for weeks. Believe it or not, to get this far into this post it’s taken me nearly 3 hours. I just feel like I’m in a daze, and slowly but surely I’m coming to terms with the fact that I will never see him again.

Remember that blog I started writing last week? That obituary type thing I was going to do for my friend? Yeah, I still haven’t been able to finish it. I hope somehow I’ll find a way to write something more centric to honour my best friend, but right now I just feel completely lost.