Part of the reason why I do this diary is to have a frame of reference, something to remind me of what I’ve accomplished over the course of a week. Sometimes I forget that, like this week. I’ve been trying to think what it was that I have done this week, what I’ve accomplished and felt like I had in fact accomplished very little. This is not true.
So to begin: I’ve been asking myself the question, “What is wrong with me?” All this week I’ve felt like I’ve been in a bit of a funk, not really wanting to do much, struggling to do any work at all (as it stands I’m still behind, with classes beginning again Monday). I’ve just had no motivation. Even with the gym, I’ve not gone as much as I would have liked.
So, “what is wrong with me?”
I’ve thought about this a lot and I think I could reel off a lot of excuses: My best friend’s dead, I’m behind on work, I feel worthless, I’m no good at anything, no one cares about me. – This is what depression is, it’s your mind beating you up to the point where you feel like a bag of crap. Sometimes it’s really hard to remind yourself that what your mind is saying is completely fabricated bullshit. It uses your memories and twists them into something to use against you. I really fucking hate that it does that, and if I could I’ve have a Superman Vs Clark Kent contest with myself, like in Superman III. But, I can’t (even though I know I’d win in a punch up – screw you brain!) so what I have to do is keep telling myself it is wrong, and that I am worth something, and I can accomplish things.
So that brings me back to my goals, what have I actually achieved this week?
Firstly, after my friend went into the hospice I stopped playing pool with the club we played for. Not permanently, but because I couldn’t face playing whilst he was ill. After he passed away I didn’t know whether or not I would return, even though the Captain asked me to return. Still, I couldn’t face it, but this time it was because it was my best friend who talked me into joining, and somehow it didn’t feel right playing without him. Besides, I had a gut feeling that if I did play I’d end up bawling all over the table. But I knew that I wanted to return, not so much for him, but for myself. I know from my past experiences that things like this make me give up on things, and if I gave this up then what else would be next? Friendships? College? My life? I needed to return. This past Monday I did, and even though I ended up not having to play, I knew that by still being involved I was overcoming something within myself.
Finally this week, I also dealt with my medication issues. I met with my GP about changing my medication and we agreed that the length of time I’ve been on Mirtazapine coupled with the side effects meant I should move onto a new drug, Sertraline. After some phone calls to pharmaceutical professionals, he worked out that it was best to reduce the Mirtazapine from 45 mg, to 30 mg for 2 weeks, followed by 15 mg of Mirtazapine and 50 mg of Sertraline 2 weeks after that. The dosage seems higher, but he seems confident that there would be fewer side effects (No weight gain! No sedative effect! Woohoo!) and it would manage my anxiety and depression as well as the Mirtazapine has.
I’m now 3 days into the new dosage of 30 mg, I can feel myself becoming more anxious when I’m going to bed, but overall I feel that I can cope with this and will push myself through until the new medication settles into my system.
So what have I accomplished this week? Not a lot by any means, but enough to know that I have accomplished goals. See you all next week (provided no more asteroids make a beeline for us).