Week 47

Guys, I’m not going to lie, I almost didn’t write a post this week.

Over the week my mood has gradually deteriorated to the point where today I didn’t get up until 5.30pm. Not because of medication of external forces, I just couldn’t face getting up and getting on with another day.

Part of this reason is because this week I was given a week off college whilst the rest of my class had to do a short course. This left me with little to do with very little planned.

With Active for Health ending a fortnight ago I was also left without a gym whilst I try to figure out how I can pay for a membership. These factors, along with ZERO money to spend, have left me mostly isolated at home for the better part of 9 days.

Sure I’ve spoken to a few friends over the phone and by text or Facebook, and yeah I’ve seen glances of my family within the home, but mostly for 23 hours out of the day I’ve been alone stuck in my bedroom.

The cynic would say, “Why didn’t you leave your room then, sit with your family or go for a walk?!?” I tried that earlier in the week, I went into town to run some errands, I even tried mixing with the family a few times but it didn’t work either.

So the problem really is me. What is wrong with me? Depression usually manifests for very real problems that you usually aren’t addressing. So what is it that I’m not addressing? I know I’m a poor student who can’t get a job. I know I’m at an age where life should have progressed further, that I should probably be living independently by now. I also know that my friends are preoccupied with their lives and it’s not their fault that they don’t necessarily have time for me.

So what else is there? Is it college? Am I worried that I still don’t know what I want to do with my life even after I finish college? Yeah, I guess that’s one thing, but is it really that big of a problem that I could barely drag myself out of bed most of this week? Why would that be the problem?

Depression is frustration. You’re angry about something, but you don’t know why you’re angry, or who to be angry at so you turn that anger inwards.

Maybe my anger is a direct result of being alone and that I have thought about all the variables of my life and concluded that I still have no idea what I am doing, thus I am still stuck in the rut that I have been stuck in for however many years it has now been.

Maybe I’m still floating through life listlessly with no goals or ambitions, or maybe I’m too afraid to pursue those goals because I might fail – I really don’t know at this point. All I know is that something doesn’t feel right at this moment and I just don’t know how to fix myself.

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