Week 44

Guys, I’m not going to bullshit, things are still pretty tough. My mood has been all over the place this last week, which has only been made worse by this week being a half-term break for college. I’ve struggled getting up every day, mostly due to the sedative quality of the medication, but over the last few days it’s been more a lack of motivation to do anything with my day. I only managed to make it to the gym twice this week after forcing myself to go after waking up at 3pm yesterday. Now I’m stuck in a self-loathing cycle for not having been able to motivate myself all week to do much of anything productive.

I think some of this is down to my confidence being knocked on a regular basis. I’ve previously mentioned I play for a local 8-ball billiards pool team in my city. We are currently in the 7th division of 7 divisions and we were 2nd in our division. Unfortunately we’ve suffered a few loses. I’ve also only won maybe 3 times this entire year, and once this season. The team says I play well and I play smart, but as most of you should know by now, I am my own worst critic. Each defeat makes me question my worth as a player not just for the team, but also playing the game at all. Every loss I walk away from makes me think about quitting completely.

My other problem of late is this feeling of loneliness and isolation creeping in. I feel like I have no one to talk to about anything. A lot of people whom I considered my closest friends haven’t really spoken to me in months. Even the friends I do see or speak to I don’t have the level of friendship that can justify a cathartic conversation. My family is the worst to have a conversation with because I feel like I’m this leech sucking away their savings. I have a brother, but he’s too young to truly understand, but why burden a teen-aged kid with my problems?

I think on some level it’s not really about who I can communicate my feelings to, but who I can connect with on an equal level. That’s not to say I’m above anyone who I see regularly, but more about people who I can relate to. I can’t relate to a middle-aged couple the same that I can’t relate to a teenager or someone suffering from an inoperable tumour.

I suppose the only relationship that’s helping me communicate my thoughts or feelings at the moment is this blog, and for that I feel truly depressed.

I think what I need to be focusing on more are my goals:

  • I want to leave college in 2 years with a qualification so I can do something worthwhile with my life/career.
  • I want to be in better shape physically instead of looking like a beached whale.
  • I want a part time job to afford to take care of myself financially and not rely on my family.

In some ways these goals don’t lend well to a good social life, but if I have no social life then what the hell am I doing with my life?

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