Guys, I’m not going to bullshit, things are still pretty tough. My mood has been all over the place this last week, which has only been made worse by this week being a half-term break for college. I’ve struggled getting up every day, mostly due to the sedative quality of the medication, but over the last few days it’s been more a lack of motivation to do anything with my day. I only managed to make it to the gym twice this week after forcing myself to go after waking up at 3pm yesterday. Now I’m stuck in a self-loathing cycle for not having been able to motivate myself all week to do much of anything productive.
I think some of this is down to my confidence being knocked on a regular basis. I’ve previously mentioned I play for a local 8-ball billiards pool team in my city. We are currently in the 7th division of 7 divisions and we were 2nd in our division. Unfortunately we’ve suffered a few loses. I’ve also only won maybe 3 times this entire year, and once this season. The team says I play well and I play smart, but as most of you should know by now, I am my own worst critic. Each defeat makes me question my worth as a player not just for the team, but also playing the game at all. Every loss I walk away from makes me think about quitting completely.
My other problem of late is this feeling of loneliness and isolation creeping in. I feel like I have no one to talk to about anything. A lot of people whom I considered my closest friends haven’t really spoken to me in months. Even the friends I do see or speak to I don’t have the level of friendship that can justify a cathartic conversation. My family is the worst to have a conversation with because I feel like I’m this leech sucking away their savings. I have a brother, but he’s too young to truly understand, but why burden a teen-aged kid with my problems?
I think on some level it’s not really about who I can communicate my feelings to, but who I can connect with on an equal level. That’s not to say I’m above anyone who I see regularly, but more about people who I can relate to. I can’t relate to a middle-aged couple the same that I can’t relate to a teenager or someone suffering from an inoperable tumour.
I suppose the only relationship that’s helping me communicate my thoughts or feelings at the moment is this blog, and for that I feel truly depressed.
I think what I need to be focusing on more are my goals:
- I want to leave college in 2 years with a qualification so I can do something worthwhile with my life/career.
- I want to be in better shape physically instead of looking like a beached whale.
- I want a part time job to afford to take care of myself financially and not rely on my family.
In some ways these goals don’t lend well to a good social life, but if I have no social life then what the hell am I doing with my life?