Week 47

Guys, I’m not going to lie, I almost didn’t write a post this week.

Over the week my mood has gradually deteriorated to the point where today I didn’t get up until 5.30pm. Not because of medication of external forces, I just couldn’t face getting up and getting on with another day.

Part of this reason is because this week I was given a week off college whilst the rest of my class had to do a short course. This left me with little to do with very little planned.

With Active for Health ending a fortnight ago I was also left without a gym whilst I try to figure out how I can pay for a membership. These factors, along with ZERO money to spend, have left me mostly isolated at home for the better part of 9 days.

Sure I’ve spoken to a few friends over the phone and by text or Facebook, and yeah I’ve seen glances of my family within the home, but mostly for 23 hours out of the day I’ve been alone stuck in my bedroom.

The cynic would say, “Why didn’t you leave your room then, sit with your family or go for a walk?!?” I tried that earlier in the week, I went into town to run some errands, I even tried mixing with the family a few times but it didn’t work either.

So the problem really is me. What is wrong with me? Depression usually manifests for very real problems that you usually aren’t addressing. So what is it that I’m not addressing? I know I’m a poor student who can’t get a job. I know I’m at an age where life should have progressed further, that I should probably be living independently by now. I also know that my friends are preoccupied with their lives and it’s not their fault that they don’t necessarily have time for me.

So what else is there? Is it college? Am I worried that I still don’t know what I want to do with my life even after I finish college? Yeah, I guess that’s one thing, but is it really that big of a problem that I could barely drag myself out of bed most of this week? Why would that be the problem?

Depression is frustration. You’re angry about something, but you don’t know why you’re angry, or who to be angry at so you turn that anger inwards.

Maybe my anger is a direct result of being alone and that I have thought about all the variables of my life and concluded that I still have no idea what I am doing, thus I am still stuck in the rut that I have been stuck in for however many years it has now been.

Maybe I’m still floating through life listlessly with no goals or ambitions, or maybe I’m too afraid to pursue those goals because I might fail – I really don’t know at this point. All I know is that something doesn’t feel right at this moment and I just don’t know how to fix myself.

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Week 46

This week was another relatively ok week! Huzzah!

That is until Thursday, when I received some rather shitty news: a friend of mine who has a brain tumour learnt from his doctor that not only had it grown, but that they had also found another growth which maybe cancerous.

Yup, that was some rather shitty news.

Additionally, due to the chemotherapy and medication they put him on immediately he’s been so unwell he’s barely been able to hold a conversation via telephone. He called me the day after the diagnosis because of the difficulty he was having coming to grips with this news, and now the side effects are hitting him. I’ve been trying to see him for the past few days, but because of how ill he has been on this new treatment he hasn’t been up to seeing any visitors.

This whole thing has been crazy. I guess we all knew in the back of our heads that this thing was still serious, but everyone, including my friend, became quite blasé about it. In all honesty, considering the close calls I’ve had in the battle with depression, I thought there was more chance he would outlive me!

Hearing the news only brought home the truth. That again, no one is indestructible, and whether I like it or not there’s a very good chance someone close to me could die quite soon. I’m trying not to be fatalistic about this; chances are he will recover, and still out live me. And I’m trying not to make this about me, but this is a blog about me and my depression and so I’ve got to talk about this from my perspective.

The reality for me is that I have a sort of abandonment issue. I don’t know how it developed when I was younger, but I became more and more aware of it over the past 10 years with close family passing away and relationships ending. I have a fear of being inadequate and that unless I behave in a correct manner I’ll drive people away. This is something I have only really begun to understand within the last 12 months or so. It took a therapy session to connect the dots between major episodes of depression and people leaving my life. It was also a reason why I had struggled to move away from home for so long – it was a fear that I would lose my family.

With my friend  having received his new diagnosis I had to really assess myself. I had to ask myself if I would be ok with this, and, fatalistically, will I be able to cope in the event of his death?

It’s really not easy. To be honest, I really don’t think I would be ok – a guy in his mid-twenties dying from cancer is just absurd! Where’s the justice in that?

But I’ve also got to think, how is he feeling? I’m probably not the best person in the world to be a friend at this time for him, but he’s going to need support now more than ever. So for now I need to be that good friend for him, I need to be that optimistic person for him, and I need to be there for him regardless of how I feel.

Week 45

So I’ve been trying to find a way to pull this blog out of spiraling depression after spending the last few weeks at a relative low. So to do that I think the best way to go about that is to go with good news!

I don’t feel as shitty as I did last week!

Huzzah!

This week I think I’ve been so busy with college and stuff that I’ve generally had no time to wallow. The times where I have been low have been few and far between, usually in moments of quiet. That’s not to say I’ve been bouncing off the walls with happiness, but I’ve been surviving.

Otherwise I don’t think I have very much to say. Life this week has been fairly life-like. Having its shitty moments, but also having some nice moments. I won five-whole-English-pounds (!!!) for pitching a news story to report at college. On the flip side I’m struggling to get to grips with a new tutor/teacher/lecturer (whatever). Her style is a little abrupt and more intense than my anxiety likes. I think I’m starting to get used to it, and I think her approach to the class is a good thing; I’m just scared that this might push me too much too soon. With this, as always, only time will tell.

I’m still a jobless student, having not heard back from a couple of applications I sent off a few weeks ago. I wasn’t really expecting to hear anything anyway because this is life in the city at this current time. This was what life was like before I started college all those weeks ago, and so I can’t expect things to change overnight.

Socially I’m fairly lonely still. Live a life of isolation, struggling to relate and communicate with peers. Outside of college I went out one night for a few hours with friends and actually managed to have a good conversation that got a few things off my chest about my life without it ruining the night or resulting in the drinking a brewery. They weren’t the ideal people I would have offloaded on, but it did the job and I think it helped to elevate my mood this week.

So I’m going to try something new this week, and ask you, the reader of this fine blog, to submit questions. An Ask Me Anything if you will. Ask me about something I’ve previously mentioned in this blog, or ask me something that I haven’t mentioned. Hell, it could even be off-topic if you like! Pop your question in the comments below and I’ll answer them next week.

Until next time, stay classy.

Week 44

Guys, I’m not going to bullshit, things are still pretty tough. My mood has been all over the place this last week, which has only been made worse by this week being a half-term break for college. I’ve struggled getting up every day, mostly due to the sedative quality of the medication, but over the last few days it’s been more a lack of motivation to do anything with my day. I only managed to make it to the gym twice this week after forcing myself to go after waking up at 3pm yesterday. Now I’m stuck in a self-loathing cycle for not having been able to motivate myself all week to do much of anything productive.

I think some of this is down to my confidence being knocked on a regular basis. I’ve previously mentioned I play for a local 8-ball billiards pool team in my city. We are currently in the 7th division of 7 divisions and we were 2nd in our division. Unfortunately we’ve suffered a few loses. I’ve also only won maybe 3 times this entire year, and once this season. The team says I play well and I play smart, but as most of you should know by now, I am my own worst critic. Each defeat makes me question my worth as a player not just for the team, but also playing the game at all. Every loss I walk away from makes me think about quitting completely.

My other problem of late is this feeling of loneliness and isolation creeping in. I feel like I have no one to talk to about anything. A lot of people whom I considered my closest friends haven’t really spoken to me in months. Even the friends I do see or speak to I don’t have the level of friendship that can justify a cathartic conversation. My family is the worst to have a conversation with because I feel like I’m this leech sucking away their savings. I have a brother, but he’s too young to truly understand, but why burden a teen-aged kid with my problems?

I think on some level it’s not really about who I can communicate my feelings to, but who I can connect with on an equal level. That’s not to say I’m above anyone who I see regularly, but more about people who I can relate to. I can’t relate to a middle-aged couple the same that I can’t relate to a teenager or someone suffering from an inoperable tumour.

I suppose the only relationship that’s helping me communicate my thoughts or feelings at the moment is this blog, and for that I feel truly depressed.

I think what I need to be focusing on more are my goals:

  • I want to leave college in 2 years with a qualification so I can do something worthwhile with my life/career.
  • I want to be in better shape physically instead of looking like a beached whale.
  • I want a part time job to afford to take care of myself financially and not rely on my family.

In some ways these goals don’t lend well to a good social life, but if I have no social life then what the hell am I doing with my life?