This week has been one of those weeks. It is a week where not really a lot happens, but your brain likes to believe that everything is happening, and is happening right now. It’s also one of those tough things to write about because it’s barely comprehensible in my own mind as to what is happening, so to explain it to an outsider can come off as sounding like gibberish or worse – bullshit.
So what has been happening this week is that my brain has decided to compress all the old files in my head, but also open them all at once, reminding me about my past relationships, my past failures in education, and my failures as son/brother. There is no rhyme or reason to it, it just is. This has also been compounded by the enormous stress of being unable to find part time work and continuing to be a financial burden on my family. It’s a dark place my mind likes to put me in, so much so that I’ve been feeling at the point of suicidal of late. No, I haven’t actually planned anything, but I’ve almost reach the point several times this week where I’ve almost thrown in the towel and thought, “fuck it all!”
The interesting thing really is that things really aren’t that bad. Yeah, financially we’re starting to struggle, but we’re not about to lose our home or run out of food. I’m also still doing well in college, it’s just my mind likes to beat the holy fuck out of me. Those who are regular readers will know that depression, atleast mine in this case, likes to torture me. It’ll be alleviated by medication or therapy, but for some it remains a constant pain that is tolerated. On bad days its like someone has left a tap running in my head, and the sink that is my mind is beginning to flood. My mind becomes overburdened with horrible thoughts, sometimes memories that are all unwarranted.
So how do you stop something like this from running rampant?
The truth is you can’t always stop it, atleast that is my experience. Sometimes it’s about recognising the symptoms before an episode and doing something about it by challenging your thoughts or changing your behaviour. Other times you’ll find yourself in the shit already and again it’s about challenging your thoughts or changing behaviour, but sometimes it’s also about asking for the right help when you need it. This can be from a friend, a member of your family, or a professional.
The worst thing you can ever do when you’re in the middle of an episode is to give up. It goes against everything you are feeling, and it is sometimes easier to just call it quits, but giving up on your life just because some chemical in your brain tells you you’re no good? That’s crazy! Your life should be dictated by you and only you, not the chemicals flowing through your brain, not the random stranger who says something negative to you, and most of all you shouldn’t allow your government’s lack of respect for the long term sufferers of illness affect how you view life.
So this week, while I’ve mostly felt like either killing everyone or killing myself, I pushed myself to keep going. I kept going into college even though I knew we had no more work because half term was just around the corner. I kept pushing myself to go to the gym even though I still feel like a fat, useless fuck whose not getting any slimmer. I also pushed myself to interact with people, because it was the last thing I ever want to when I feel this way. And you know what? I still feel mostly lousy. But that’s not going to stop me from at least trying to overcome this bout because why should I let anything or anyone dictate my life to me?
If this post was too long and uninteresting, click the link below. It is much more concise article than this, but also tonally different and hilarious, and also much more relevant to your interests.