Week 43

This week has been one of those weeks. It is a week where not really a lot happens, but your brain likes to believe that everything is happening, and is happening right now. It’s also one of those tough things to write about because it’s barely comprehensible in my own mind as to what is happening, so to explain it to an outsider can come off as sounding like gibberish or worse – bullshit.

 

So what has been happening this week is that my brain has decided to compress all the old files in my head, but also open them all at once, reminding me about my past relationships, my past failures in education, and my failures as son/brother. There is no rhyme or reason to it, it just is. This has also been compounded by the enormous stress of being unable to find part time work and continuing to be a financial burden on my family. It’s a dark place my mind likes to put me in, so much so that I’ve been feeling at the point of suicidal of late. No, I haven’t actually planned anything, but I’ve almost reach the point several times this week where I’ve almost thrown in the towel and thought, “fuck it all!”

The interesting thing really is that things really aren’t that bad. Yeah, financially we’re starting to struggle, but we’re not about to lose our home or run out of food. I’m also still doing well in college, it’s just my mind likes to beat the holy fuck out of me. Those who are regular readers will know that depression, atleast mine in this case, likes to torture me. It’ll be alleviated by medication or therapy, but for some it remains a constant pain that is tolerated. On bad days its like someone has left a tap running in my head, and the sink that is my mind is beginning to flood. My mind becomes overburdened with horrible thoughts, sometimes memories that are all unwarranted.

So how do you stop something like this from running rampant?

The truth is you can’t always stop it, atleast that is my experience. Sometimes it’s about recognising the symptoms before an episode and doing something about it by challenging your thoughts or changing your behaviour. Other times you’ll find yourself in the shit already and again it’s about challenging your thoughts or changing behaviour, but sometimes it’s also about asking for the right help when you need it. This can be from a friend, a member of your family, or a professional.

The worst thing you can ever do when you’re in the middle of an episode is to give up. It goes against everything you are feeling, and it is sometimes easier to just call it quits, but giving up on your life just because some chemical in your brain tells you you’re no good? That’s crazy! Your life should be dictated by you and only you, not the chemicals flowing through your brain, not the random stranger who says something negative to you, and most of all you shouldn’t allow your government’s lack of respect for the long term sufferers of illness affect how you view life.

So this week, while I’ve mostly felt like either killing everyone or killing myself, I pushed myself to keep going. I kept going into college even though I knew we had no more work because half term was just around the corner. I kept pushing myself to go to the gym even though I still feel like a fat, useless fuck whose not getting any slimmer. I also pushed myself to interact with people, because it was the last thing I ever want to when I feel this way. And you know what? I still feel mostly lousy. But that’s not going to stop me from at least trying to overcome this bout because why should I let anything or anyone dictate my life to me?

If this post was too long and uninteresting, click the link below. It is much more concise article than this, but also tonally different and hilarious, and also much more relevant to your interests.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

 

 

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Weeks 41 & 42

So this is it, huh? Autumn (or fall if you’re in North America) is well and truly here. The temperature is dropping, it’s 10 Weeks until the New Year, and Halloween is just around the corner.

So what’s new?

Not much to be honest. I reconciled a little with the friend who had neglected me… So… Y’know…

A friend also took me on a night out last week, to the surprise of everyone who knows him. We had a fairly enjoyable night; unfortunately things took a turn at about 4am when we went back to his mother’s place as it was her birthday. He ended up in an altercation with his step-father which turned violent. At the time I was outside, and by the time I realised it was a full blown domestic there was nothing I could do but sit tight. I didn’t know what had happened and for all I knew my presence with the step-father would only exasperate the situation. When things went a quiet I decided to make my way inside where his mum told me it was best to leave. It was a very long, cold walk home that night. Later I learnt that things were all OK after the police turned up, and by the sounds of it the step-dad had been kicked out.

College is still going well. We wrapped filming up the week before last, with editing starting this week. I’ve certainly got a new found respect for editors as the process can be extremely long if the shots or sound quality is poor. I managed to finish the whole thing with less than a minute to spare before handing in on Friday. I’m satisfied with the outcome of the film, but I think I could have done better during filming. To me there was a lot of obvious continuity errors that affect the overall look. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll find out how I’ve been graded, and if I qualify for as good a grade as I hope.

This week I learnt that part of my Dad’s disability benefit was being stopped. My dad was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis nearly 10 years ago. Considering how a lot of sufferers of multiple sclerosis can quickly succumb to mobility issues, my Dad has been quite lucky to remain able to walk, if only for short distances. The reason why his benefit has been stopped is because he has been moved into the “work related category” of the Department of Work and Pensions. Whilst my family has been appealing this for the past year, due to the nature of my Dad’s illness, they’ve still decided to stop his money until it’s resolved. The good news is that if we win the appeal the money will be back dated, the bad news is the date of the appeal still hasn’t been set and could be months away. What this means is we’re in for a tough financial time. With my parents still supporting me living with them and me not having any income the pressure is on to find part time work to fit around college, and yes the jobs market is still as dire as it was when I became unemployed originally nearly 2 years ago.

So with that I guess my mood the past week or so has been a little erratic. I’m coping well, or atleast it appears that way – I think I’ve begun hiding my feelings a lot more about things rather than voicing an opinion on matters. This is probably not a good sign as this is on of the signs to the onset of a major episode. I suppose if I’m recognising that now then perhaps I can stave it off.

I have a few events on the cards for the next few weeks, one being a doctor appointment with a new GP after my previous GP left. It’s quite likely that my new GP will be a student doctor and will only be there for a few months so my task on Tuesday is to scope out a doctor that’s there longer than a few months.

A friend of mine is also hosting a Halloween party on the 31st. With money being the way that it is at the moment I don’t think I’ll be going as I can’t afford to go out, let alone afford a Halloween costume.

I apologise for this entry not being as upbeat as I was hoping it to be. I’m feeling quite tired with all of this at the moment.

Until next week…

Week 40

So I guess this means it’s 12 weeks until the end of the year, huh?

This week saw my twenty – somethinth birthday. Yes, I’ve turned the milestone twenty – something! I remember it like it was only yesterday when I turned twenty – something, and now I’m twenty – something – more! Incredible!

Yes, I’m another year older, and to be honest I actually do feel a bit more wiser. I don’t feel any more youthful though that’s for sure; I’ve actually been plucking grey hairs from my scalp for the past 3 months! I celebrated the anniversary of my birth by doing what most people in the country seems to do on such an occasion and go on a drunken night out on the town with friends. It was good fun for sure, I saw people I hadn’t seen in a while, and I got remarkable drunk in a short amount of time (after having not drunk to excess for nearly a month). Yes, it was a good old fashioned fun.

There is a ‘but’ coming – and if you would rather skip this feel free to gloss over the next paragraph – Still here? Are you sure? Thanks …So I feel like I have been let down by one particular friend.

To set the scene: A group of my friends had gone to visit another friend of mine who moved to Germany almost 2 years ago. They’d spent most of the year arranging to go, and I would have gone too if not for the pesky problems that have plagued me for the last year or so. This meant some would be away for my birthday, but also some of them would be back in time. After some feedback I moved things around for the night I was going out to accommodate them, or rather him. Bearing in mind I wasn’t planning on a big event, just a few casual friends in a few familiar places for some drinks, I didn’t think it would be too much hassle firmly setting plans in motion the week before. Unfortunately, after messaging everyone, only a small handful actually did get in touch with me. Others we occupied (which is fine), some were ill (which again is fine), but of the 2 returning from Germany, with one a close friend, having not returned a message at all? That upset me. I ended up hearing from a mutual friend on the night that he wouldn’t be attending, but what upsets me is he didn’t call or message me personally, not even a “Happy Birthday”. I’ve struggled to maintain a friendship with this person for many years, he can often be thoughtless, but he is often the one doing the prompting with people on doing things for their birthday. After rearranging things for the night to suit him, he had really hurt me. I really felt like maybe I had done something wrong. Perhaps I had said something or wrote something that offended him. Eventually I received a message yesterday, 3 days later after photos were uploaded to Facebook, asking if I had a good birthday. He left me a few blasé across social networks about some things we have similar interests in prior to this, which I had ignored, which had me wondering if maybe he had twigged on something. Maybe he was now feeling remorseful for not messaging. Perhaps that is quite conceited of me. In fact I think it is very conceited of me. Suffice it to say that this has irked me somewhat.

 

So as I was saying, yes, it was a jolly old good time! Let’s have a cup of tea and reminisce of things of old and of beauty!

College continues to be a source of interest, being both informative and challenging. We’ve been trying to film a short film in college hours for the past week with other students, with less than a week left to complete our filming. I think we have 2 out of 4 scenes completed, but I’m sure I still need some more shots to complete the shoot.

The gym is also going well…ish. My last gym session was Wednesday of last week, and I took 4 days off to do college, family stuff, boozing, and recovering. Yesterday was my first day back and I could really feel it. I think I’m going to stop drinking more or less from here on out, as the 4-6 weeks off the booze seems to have done me some good. I’ve felt a lot more clear headed, and have been able to be a more productive person as a result. The “more or less” part is really only to reserve drinking for certain occasions, important birthdays, holidays (Christmas is only 11 weeks off ;P). My weight has been more manageable with less beer, with my confidence in myself and my abilities improving constantly between college and my improving fitness.

So yes, overall, things continue to go rather swimmingly. I’m kind of looking forward to Halloween, if only to watch some scary films, even though an invite has been extended to go to a party. It’s not that I don’t want to go, I just kind of like the idea of sitting in with family or friends to watch something scary with popcorn and ice cream.

Until next week, jolly ho!

(I promise next week I will try to reign in this style of writing, it is extremely off-putting, I agree)