Week 39

This week I was going to post more great things about college, and about how much I’m enjoying it. Which is a lot. I fucking love college right now. I thought though after a few minor things occurred this week online that I should maybe write a little bit about them. So this week is about overcoming break ups.

Contrary to previous postings, generally I am not a male whore. I’m usually very monogamous, I have never cheated on a partner, and in some ways I still retain a Ted Mosby-esque belief that someday I’ll meet “the one”. These days I’m not such a hopeless romantic, but somewhere in my core I think there still is, which sounds ridiculously cheesy. Anyway…

There have been 2 major relationships in my life. One lasted the best part of a year, the other 9 months. The latter was my first big relationship. This was the first person I fell in love with, this was the person who I first thought I’d have a real future with. For the most part when we were together we were inseparable. We were the couple who knew what each other was thinking, we were that couple who naturally gelled together, but mostly we were that annoying couple who did everything together. We had talked about moving in together, getting married, and raising children. For me it was perfect. So when it all ended I struggled to come to terms with why this had happened. When our relationship ended, she said it was because she needed “space to get to know herself again”. A few weeks later I found out she was seeing another guy. For the longest time I thought she had cheated on me with him and left me for this man. This was 4 years ago.

A year later I was talked into joining an online dating site. After about a month I began exchanging messages with a girl who lived 15 miles away. Soon after we began dating, and things quickly became serious. After a while we fell in love, and became that annoying couple everyone hates. I was painfully aware of how my prior relationship had turned out and was hesitant to become as attached as I had been before. Although we shared a lot, and she knew of my past history, I became quite detached at times. For her I think this was quite difficult. In private we’d be quite close, whereas in public I’d tend to let her drift away. I don’t think this was a conscious effort, but I understood where I may have been coming from subconsciously. The result was combustive.

We’d usually have at least one major argument once a month, and at least once a month she’d threaten to end it. Two years to the day, on the anniversary my first relationship ended, we ended ours. This was a hard time for me, 2 rejections on the same date was destroying. We eventually made up 3 months later promising we’d be more considerate to one another, and after 5 months of arguing, false break ups, and making up we broke up for the final time, one week before Christmas. She broke up with me, but then a week later wanted to get back together. I had simply had enough. I really loved the girl, but we just weren’t working, we were a horrible couple, and I couldn’t see a happy future for either of us. This was almost 2 years ago.

This week a message began circulating that Facebook had a bug and had begun publishing private messages from as far back as 2007 onto the Timeline on people’s Facebook profiles. (See this article and/or this video:

General feedback said that you could check your timeline to verify whether this has occurred to you, but also to “hide” these messages on your timeline. This, for most people, meant travelling back to your life online 5 years ago. For me, this was right around the time of these 2 relationships – the first beginning in 2007, ending in 2008 – the last beginning in 2009, ending in 2010. Fortunately I didn’t find any private messages published, I did however find the profiles of my ex-girlfriends.

My first ex I had unfriended not long after we had broken up. We’ve only seen each other in passing maybe 3 times since then, on all occasions in the street and from a distance, and I had never wanted to speak to her again. I still don’t. I knew she was still with the guy she had apparently met after breaking up with me, I heard as recent as last year that they were engaged. Her name appeared on my timeline no longer as her maiden name, but with the surname of the man she had been with for the last 4 years. They were now married. I never harboured any desires to rekindle anything with her, but in some way I had hoped that maybe her life had become as fucked up as mine had. The truth is though, I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel depressed that she’s now married to a man she may have cheated on me with. I don’t feel angry that she has moved on, almost without a second thought towards me. I don’t feel happy that she seems to be happy. I feel nothing. I feel as if a burden has somehow been lifted. I felt closure.

Scrolling through the remaining dates and messages I became a little curious, I wondered if my recent ex still had messages on my wall, and if maybe she had reactivated her Facebook account (she had shut down her Facebook at some point around our first break up). We managed to remain friends to a degree, but the last time we spoke was shortly after my grandmother’s death last year. Since then we’d drifted apart, I think her moreso than I for once.

After discovering my first ex was now married I wondered where she was now. This is where it becomes stalker territory, but bear with me through this. I found that not only were the messages still there, but also she had reactivated her account, and she hadn’t set her profile to private. What I found seemed to show she had met someone else and was now preparing to move in with him. For her I feel genuine happiness. When we broke up I told her unless she learnt to deal with anger issues better, she would be alone for the rest of her life. Now here she was, getting on with her life, she looked happy in her profile picture, and even seemed happy in the messages that were public.

I think my life has been a clusterfuck for the longest of times, things have happened and I’ve done things I’ve regretted. To see other people moving on is somehow satisfying, that perhaps there is a light at the end of the tunnel and maybe it’s time for me to finally begin moving on.  Stay classy WordPress.

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