I’ve been trying to think what to write these past two weeks. It’s not really the topic of discussion that I’m worried about, but how to convey it. How I can fully describe how much of a twat I feel like at the moment, and how I can describe to you why I feel like a twat.
So let’s start with some of the good news first. I got into college, no sweat, full time education here I come! All the fees have been waived (for this year atleast) and the course begins a week today (Sept 10th). So yeah, that’s good news. I’ve been looking forward/waiting for this all year, I should be a little more excited, but I think my positivism dried up about a week ago. Yeah, I’m still looking forward to starting it all; I just think my mind has forgotten about how great this all is, and is giving way to nausea at the thought of being in a class with 16+ year olds, socialising with people, and worry about poor time keeping. If you have kept up with this blog you will know what I’m talking about with time keeping. I want to be there, it’s whether my body will allow me to wake up and have a productive day. So yeah.
Other positive news: I went away for a few days this past week to visit relatives up north. A part of me really didn’t want to go because I thought I’d have a bad time. This turned out to be true. By day 2 of 3 I was missing being able to withdraw from society and having some space, something that was critically missing from this excursion. I ended up sharing a room with my younger brother, whom whilst I get on with, can get irritated by surprisingly easily. It’s a small victory I attended, and it’s an even smaller one that I did so without getting overly drunk despite my best efforts. So yeah, this may come off as sounding mildly negative due to my current mood, it’s actually a positive that I pushed myself to do something that I really didn’t feel up to doing. I don’t think my family sees it that way (I think they’ve forgotten how challenging family gatherings can be for me), but it’s something I need to remember. In fact, I’ve noted it on my Facebook timeline, hidden under privacy controls for only myself to see.
So with that out of the way, let’s cut to the meat and bones of why I’m feeling a bit shitty this week.
To be honest with you, I’ve started and stopped writing this at least 4 times in the last 24 hours. It’s something that I need to talk about, but I want to talk about it right. A few weeks ago I wrote about how I had met someone and we spent the night together, we had a good time, and so things were going to be quite casual. Well, this isn’t about that. As far as I’m aware that ship has well and truly sailed. We’ve had zero contact with each other for something like 3 weeks, and to be honest I’m kind of relieved. What this is about is another girl, someone who I’ve kind of thought I’d maybe like to go out with at some point in the future, but nothing else. But as frequent readers will know, I’m just not in the best of situations to be in a relationship, casual or otherwise, at the moment. Unfortunately drunken mess me managed to finally get some things moving between whom I shall refer to girl B and I. I don’t refer to her as “B” as in “2nd choice” but merely as a means to ease the flow of this post, i.e. The girl I was referring to in previous postings is now “Girl A” as she was the first person mentioned here. Now I’m feeling like a really sleazy dick.
So, why am I writing about my sexual exploits again? Well, dearest reader, because life has consequences. You see, sleeping around, having some fun seems all well and good on TV, but in real life it’s a drag. I’ve known this for years. I lost my virginity to a one night stand and have regretted it ever since.
The one night I spent with Girl A I can live with because it was fairly mutual (it seems), but Girl B I didn’t want to do that her. You see, she likes me, a lot. She’s given me signals over the last year or so that indicated some form of attraction and last week I played her. Well. Strictly speaking that’s not necessarily true. She made the first move (as most girls have to do with me). I believe she was also the one who asked me to go back to her hotel room (that’s a bit complicated to explain, but also completely unnecessary to explain). I’ve known she’s probably liked me for a while but never made a move for 2 reasons. 1) I was either in a relationship at the time or wasn’t ready to involve myself that way again or 2) She threw me off by constantly reminding me of walking in on me and my ex girlfriend whilst we were having sex 5 years ago. It was very confusing.
The confusion has now been alleviated somewhat with the conversations I remember having from that night. She told me she liked me, I told her I did too. The next morning though I felt instant regret. I felt like I had taken advantage of her. Yes, I do like the girl, but I don’t want to be involved with her, or anyone for that matter, right now. It was probably the single most stupid decision I’ve ever made whilst drunk. And to cap it all off I did it without protection.
So instead of being a regular dick and saying “See you around” and not leave a phone number, I felt terrible about wanting to leave it there and Facebooked her my number, to which she sent me a text, which I have since ignored. That was 2 weeks ago. I am a complete twat, I know. To compound things, I remember talking in bed about people we both know who we’ve slept with. I made a comment about how much I hate how incestuous the bar down town is, but at least neither of us had really slept with anyone we knew personally, which she was deeply relieved about.
This week we happened to be in the same bar again at just around the same time, but didn’t see each other. Unfortunately for her, she ran into a friend of hers, a girl I had kind of gone out with for a few weeks from 8 years ago, who overheard her talking with some friends about having slept with me. This resulted in my “ex” giving her a dig about sleeping with “her ex”.
To be quite blunt here, I don’t consider her as an ex-girlfriend in the largest sense, we met up in town a few times and got drunk before I decided to fuck off and travel the world for a bit, ditching her. Sounds harsh, but I’m feeling harsh feelings towards her right about now. I’ve since apologised to her for ditching to go travelling, and I do feel genuine remorse for it, but she wasn’t the right person for me then, and never will be.
Regardless of previous history, this dig at Girl B seemed to have spurred her to leave before I even had the chance to see her. In all truthfulness I didn’t really want to see her, but everything has consequences. I knew that I should at least talk to her. That by ignoring her I’d infact be turning into the type of dick I hated. If I could take her aside and talk to her about what was going on then maybe I could explain to her how I can’t be in a relationship, or whatever the fuck you’d call it, right now. But then would she think this meant that I wanted her to wait for me? Is that really obnoxious to think someone would wait for me? It probably is, and as such I should be loathed for it.
There are only these 2 options though. There is no option 3 available. I do not want to start going out with someone whilst I’m trying to get my life together. What sort of a person does that? I’m not relationship material right now; I have to be on my own. So maybe it is easier if she hates me. Maybe that way she can move on, and I can continue to feel guilt about something I did whilst drunk.