Week 26

So… Wow. We’re actually half way there. We’re slap bang in the middle of the year. Where has this time gone? For me personally it’s mostly been slept away. My medication continues to dictate the hours I am able to function, with much of my mood being in the stable to low region of a graph. I think I feel much more frustrated lately because college is dawning on me, and I’m starting to worry about how prepared I am for this. My sleeping issues have been a constant now for 11 months. Surely there should be some steadying out by now? My GP is still concerned that switching medication could be disastrous, but I’m growing very concerned that over sleeping is going to destroy any success I may have at college.

I’m also reaching the final week of Mindfulness with IAPT. I think both sides of the course (and the social interactions) have helped, but I’m heading towards the final session feeling that the majority of this has been a waste of time for me. It’s definitely been something to motivate me weekly, and it has given me elements to put in use. I think perhaps I need to actually motivate myself to meditate more to maybe feel some of the effects. But then I suppose there are things that I am using daily that I have learned, and it’s not about the individual symptoms for me, it’s more about what’s at the core of my being (so to speak). I think I need to think less, and concentrate living in the moment and perhaps enjoying my life more than I tend to critique it and even despise it.

I think this week overall has seen some improvement once again in my mood. I think maybe being more active some days is helping. The struggle is I want to be active more early in the day. Recently my sleep pattern has slipped to 2011 levels of sleeping from 1/2am – 3/4pm. 14 hours sleep really isn’t necessary, and I’d like to get out of that, but I’m finding myself resigned to it because it’s a physical/physiological problem. Again, I need to take this up with my GP. I digress however…

Things have relatively improved in my head. I’ve found a creative streak in me this weekend where I’ve been putting together ideas for a book/script. I have 1 page of A4, but that is one page more than I had a year ago. I’m going to try and use that as my focus or as a goal for the next few weeks to get into and complete. The hardest part for me though for this is 1) writer’s block 2) my own self-discipline/self-confidence. I’ll beat myself up if I don’t do something, but then beat myself up more if I write something stupid or think something’s stupid. So yeah, I’m going to be tackling that more head on in the next week or so. We’ll see how that pans out.

This is also the last full week on Active for Health. I’m really hoping to continue at the gym after it has expired. There was mention of a discount so I’m hoping it’s cheap enough that I can afford it. As I’ve previously mentioned I think this has helped me more than maybe therapy sessions or socializing. I think a lot of my neurosis is extremely complicated and wrapped around years of various self-inflicted or externally afflicted abuses, but one is definitely to do with my body image. I’ve been body conscious most of my life, and as such I’ve never been comfortable with the way I look. If I was a girl you’d be telling me this was all fine and I look gorgeous. Unfortunately I’m a bloke, and I am actually obese, and have been this way most of my life. The gym is definitely helping, and I think I maybe need to regulate my issues more with exercise.

Those of you in the know already know that exercising doesn’t come cheap. “Well get out and walk!” I hear you cry. Sadly I’m past that. “Well eat salads!” Have you seen the prices of salads lately? I’ve definitely become more aware lately of what I’m putting into my body, and what I’m doing to get it back out, but the other problem is this dark passenger I carry. It’s very difficult to motivate yourself to get out and exercise when it’s telling you that you’ll always be fat and you’ll never amount to anything. The more I exercise though, the more it feels like this voice is going away, and while I’m still struggling to get up before noon it doesn’t feel like my day is completely wasted if I at least get to the gym.

Well that’s my weekly rant over for another week. Thanks for reading.

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