This week has seen very little improvement. Things have generally been really sucky. I can’t really put my finger on why. The closest I can come to understanding why I have felt so shitty is more towards going cold turkey with nicotine patches this week. I’ve been forgetting to put them on, and they’re a real hassle, so I think it could be some sort of withdrawal. I’m not entirely convinced by this though. What I have done is increase my visits to the gym. This week I managed to go 4 times out of the targeted 3. Last week I think I only managed to make it twice, and possibly even less before that too. I think I was trying to use the gym as a means to work out any stress or anxieties in my system. To be honest though, this week I have been the most passive I have ever been in my life. It was really weird. My mood kind of improved over this weekend (which is probably why I’m able to write a post tonight) but there have been some remnants of weirdness lingering throughout. I think only now is it beginning to simmer down.
Besides generally feeling quite low and working out a lot this week, I’ve really done nothing. I think I’ve perhaps read more and listened to a fair amount of Podcasts. That’s about it. It has been a hard week. I’ve felt more depressed this week than any other week so far. At times I’ve felt really quite suicidal, but I think there’s an equal combination of determination not to be snuffed out and lack of options (I generally think I’m too fat to hang myself as I would break the rope before I was dead… also I don’t have rope). I’m still not 100% ok with where I am right now, but I’m definitely not in that dark place at the moment. I’m trying to keep setting small goals to accomplish, which at times are quite difficult because my sleeping pattern is still a bit of a mess. I think that’s something that has contributed to my low mood this week too.
This week is going to probably be more of the same, only with some chores thrown in. There are things I need to organise, and people I need to contact. I’ll let you know how it goes.