Things have continued to be difficult. I’ve been finding Mindfulness, whilst a source to occupy my time, is now becoming something that I can’t fully agree with much more. I think I find the CBT part of the course a source of friction, conflicting with my own personal feelings and attitudes towards depression. This is also happening at a time where I feel even more isolated from society. This is not because I have cut my self off from the world, but I’ve become more aware of how I feel more abnormal from social norms. Meeting with friends is becoming hard work; I’m often struggling to cope with conversation and starting conversations. I almost feel as though I’ve taught myself to become socially awkward again these last 18 months. It’s completely ridiculous. Nothing about me has changed; it’s only to do with my confidence and self worth being so low. Trying to improve these by being sociable is proving ineffective. If anything I feel more paranoid (I think I’m on the verge of describing myself as being a schizophrenic with learning difficulties. How quaint).
It is very hard. What I think I find quite surprising about this whole situation is how low I feel despite being more active in recent weeks. Aside from this week where my mood has finally shut me down somewhat, I’ve been perhaps more active than I’ve ever been. That being said, I’ve noticed my thoughts dwelling on my weight and size. I am enormously overweight. I’ve been battling this for some time, and it has been a back and forth battle. Being without much purpose in day-to-day life hasn’t helped with the weight. I think now more than ever I need discipline in my life. I need to train my mind to think clearer in terms of diet and exercise. I need to be stricter on myself with alcohol (I think slipping back on that crutch is a very dangerous slope).
Without being too much doom and gloom I’d like to say that I’ve at least managed to quit smoking. I’ve not smoked in 5 weeks by my reckoning. I have wondered if that has been part of the reason why my mood has taken a dive in recent weeks, but I think it’s fairly moot. It’s an achievement I should be more proud of. I think I’d be more proud if I could give up the beer, but that’s me beating myself up again.
I’m sorry these updates have become shorter and further between, but it has been rather difficult. I’ll endeavour to post more regularly and in smaller quantities if I must. Even if no one is reading them, it’s certainly more beneficial for me in the long run to vent this.