This week has seen very little improvement. Things have generally been really sucky. I can’t really put my finger on why. The closest I can come to understanding why I have felt so shitty is more towards going cold turkey with nicotine patches this week. I’ve been forgetting to put them on, and they’re a real hassle, so I think it could be some sort of withdrawal. I’m not entirely convinced by this though. What I have done is increase my visits to the gym. This week I managed to go 4 times out of the targeted 3. Last week I think I only managed to make it twice, and possibly even less before that too. I think I was trying to use the gym as a means to work out any stress or anxieties in my system. To be honest though, this week I have been the most passive I have ever been in my life. It was really weird. My mood kind of improved over this weekend (which is probably why I’m able to write a post tonight) but there have been some remnants of weirdness lingering throughout. I think only now is it beginning to simmer down.
Besides generally feeling quite low and working out a lot this week, I’ve really done nothing. I think I’ve perhaps read more and listened to a fair amount of Podcasts. That’s about it. It has been a hard week. I’ve felt more depressed this week than any other week so far. At times I’ve felt really quite suicidal, but I think there’s an equal combination of determination not to be snuffed out and lack of options (I generally think I’m too fat to hang myself as I would break the rope before I was dead… also I don’t have rope). I’m still not 100% ok with where I am right now, but I’m definitely not in that dark place at the moment. I’m trying to keep setting small goals to accomplish, which at times are quite difficult because my sleeping pattern is still a bit of a mess. I think that’s something that has contributed to my low mood this week too.
This week is going to probably be more of the same, only with some chores thrown in. There are things I need to organise, and people I need to contact. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Things have continued to be difficult. I’ve been finding Mindfulness, whilst a source to occupy my time, is now becoming something that I can’t fully agree with much more. I think I find the CBT part of the course a source of friction, conflicting with my own personal feelings and attitudes towards depression. This is also happening at a time where I feel even more isolated from society. This is not because I have cut my self off from the world, but I’ve become more aware of how I feel more abnormal from social norms. Meeting with friends is becoming hard work; I’m often struggling to cope with conversation and starting conversations. I almost feel as though I’ve taught myself to become socially awkward again these last 18 months. It’s completely ridiculous. Nothing about me has changed; it’s only to do with my confidence and self worth being so low. Trying to improve these by being sociable is proving ineffective. If anything I feel more paranoid (I think I’m on the verge of describing myself as being a schizophrenic with learning difficulties. How quaint).
It is very hard. What I think I find quite surprising about this whole situation is how low I feel despite being more active in recent weeks. Aside from this week where my mood has finally shut me down somewhat, I’ve been perhaps more active than I’ve ever been. That being said, I’ve noticed my thoughts dwelling on my weight and size. I am enormously overweight. I’ve been battling this for some time, and it has been a back and forth battle. Being without much purpose in day-to-day life hasn’t helped with the weight. I think now more than ever I need discipline in my life. I need to train my mind to think clearer in terms of diet and exercise. I need to be stricter on myself with alcohol (I think slipping back on that crutch is a very dangerous slope).
Without being too much doom and gloom I’d like to say that I’ve at least managed to quit smoking. I’ve not smoked in 5 weeks by my reckoning. I have wondered if that has been part of the reason why my mood has taken a dive in recent weeks, but I think it’s fairly moot. It’s an achievement I should be more proud of. I think I’d be more proud if I could give up the beer, but that’s me beating myself up again.
I’m sorry these updates have become shorter and further between, but it has been rather difficult. I’ll endeavour to post more regularly and in smaller quantities if I must. Even if no one is reading them, it’s certainly more beneficial for me in the long run to vent this.