Weeks 16 – 17 – 18

Firstly my apologies for letting this slip once again. This is mainly down to a virus I picked up from my family that left me broken for the better part of 2 weeks. It’s only really been the last week that things have returned to some normality. What was quite annoying was missing out on several events. My friend’s surprise party was my last physical act before passing out in my bed for several days. I also missed out on a college taster session as well as Mindfulness and other appointments. The other appointments were fine to rearrange, but missing out on the college thing as well as Mindfulness was incredibly frustrating. Oddly I found with the virus I didn’t get all that depressed. If anything I felt more upbeat and interested in some things. My sleep suffered with this bug, but to me it wasn’t about the lack of sleep, but more about the ability to get up at a good hour and have a full day. That mostly meant lying on the sofa downstairs, but nevertheless it felt brilliant to be up at 6am/7am, and getting to bed properly by 9pm/10pm. It felt normal.

And that’s generally how I’ve felt over the last 3 weeks. Normal. There have been moments where I’ve felt quite small. This is usually when I’m speaking with people about what I am up to these days. It always makes me feel really inadequate when I say I’ve been unemployed technically since September last year. It’s also quite difficult when I have to speak about my depression, or being put in a situation I feel uncomfortable with because of my low self esteem/self confidence. So, besides that it’s been all systems go. I spent my time ill rearranging appointments, which I’d usually find quite difficult. I generally made plans and, although I felt quite ill, I felt like I had accomplished something over that time. I think maybe it was the small victories in being active, but I also think it was a victory in recognising that when I’m ill I become isolated, and in becoming isolated I become depressed and feel worthless, until it flows round and round and I hit rock bottom. I think by getting myself out of my bedroom in the mornings and going downstairs it made me break that cycle before it begun. I’m hoping this is a sign that CBT has actually worked, and now I’m seeing the benefits.

I think that’s about all I have in the tank. This is the first time I’ve written at length in a few weeks. My concentration levels dipped significantly during the illness, so I hardly wrote or read anything. I still need to review the film I saw a few weeks ago, which I should probably give a crack tomorrow. The review is very late, and I think hardly anyone would be interested in it, but it gives me something to do, and perhaps I could go into more detail with it being so retrospective.

Anyways, I waffle. Until next time…

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