Week 11

This week has been an average week, and I don’t mean average in a negative sense. Average is good. It means life isn’t too frantic with events or situations that lie on either side of the positive/negative scale. Average means normality to me. It means things weren’t bad this week, but things weren’t amazing either. It means I’m getting on with life well. That’s how I feel about it anyway.

 

I did some chores around the home. I cleaned. I’ve begun drinking green tea in the hopes of improving some of my physical health. I’ve been managing not to oversleep too drastically still, however it could still use some improvement. I managed to see some friends this week, even though one let me down exceptionally. I think that could have sent me in the wrong direction if I’d let it spiral too much. That said I ended up getting boozed up twice last week, once because of that, the other one being St Patrick’s Day.

 

Wednesday night last week I was supposed to be meeting an old friend I worked with several years ago. He goes through a lot of what I go through, and whilst I don’t fully know what his situation is we’ve always had that mutual ground to understand what goes on in each other’s heads. We had attempted to meet up before Christmas, but he seemed to flake out at the last moment. I don’t know why he did, fortunately I had kind of seen it coming and I think I had arranged to meet with other people later in that evening. I didn’t speak to him for a few weeks after that. I felt like he had been a bit ignorant in cancelling at the very last minute. Perhaps selfish is the word I’m looking for. So going into meeting with him last week I felt very wary of him not turning up. We had arranged it via Facebook as he said he was coming home for his Grandmother’s funeral. He had mentioned meeting up on the Tuesday, but left it too late to solidify those plans, and so we arranged it for the Wednesday evening after the funeral. I told him to suggest a time he’d be happy with so we scheduled to meet at7pm.I arrived at7.10pmfully expecting him not to be there until around then anyway, and brought myself a pint. At7.30pmI began to get the feeling he wasn’t going to turn up. Phoning him at7.45pmI was met with his voicemail. At8.10pmhe replied to a text I had sent after phoning, telling me that he had just got in from the funeral, that he hadn’t expected it to drag on so long and his battery had died. I fully appreciated that he would be busy, and that it was his grandmother’s funeral, I was a bit dubious about the phone dying but I let it slide. I asked him if he was still coming. He said yes. I asked him when. He said he was just waiting on pizza. I thought maybe he was grabbing something quick from the freezer. He’d actually ordered one and was waiting for it to be delivered. By this point it was8.45pm. I’d been at the pub alone for an hour and a half. He asked me if I was going to wait. I told him I was going home.

 

I was absolutely livid with him. As I previously stated, I could completely understand his delay because of the funeral, but knowing he was supposed to meet me at 7pm, not getting in touch with me until 8.10pm, and then saying he was probably not going to be there until 9.30pm because he was going to eat a pizza was in my opinion a complete dick move. It infuriated me because I had really wanted to meet with him. When we’re talking we can talk about anything and get down to really gritty deep thoughts. I don’t get that anymore with any of my other friends who still live in the city. I really needed that conversation to happen. As it turns out I think for me this latest fiasco has ended my relationship with him. If I bump into him in the future maybe I’ll be more forgiving, but I don’t think I’ll ever have the same drive to sustain a deep friendship with him again.

 

So with that said, that’s where my head is now, afterwards is a completely different story. After this all happened I went out with a friend of mine (after getting myself appropriately drunk) into town. He’s not by any means a deep thinker, and we honestly have very little in common besides booze, some music, and TV shows, but at least he turns up and has more respect for me.

 

Since that night, though, I’ve really struggled with negative thoughts. It’s not aimed at the events of that night, nor towards being abandoned by my flakey friend, it’s more introverted. It’s like it is blaming me for the break down of this friendship because I have such low self esteem and I have zero confidence. I think alcohol has been playing a big part in this. The amount I drank Wednesday and Saturday night was probably enough to keep circulating in my system until yesterday and I’m still noticing a few negative twinges today. I think it’s lessened in the last 24 hours because I’ve had a more activity, and less time to dwell. When I say dwell, I’m not specifying situations. I’m dwelling on aspects about myself that my mind has taken a real disliking to. My mindset contributes to this though. It says I’m not the same person I was a year ago, nor the same person I was 18 months ago. I feel almost like I’ve been reset to 12 years old again in terms of my assertiveness/confidence/self-esteem. Trying to rebuild it all is taking time. I think being isolated, with mostly a computer for company, is having an adverse effect on me. Social gatherings are becoming more difficult. They’ve been difficult for some time now, but I’ve begun to notice a strain saying things that are either irrelevant, selfish/self centric, or sometimes rude. At least that’s how I perceive it. I know it’s probably not the case, but there’s this little part of me that keeps telling me to get over myself and to stop talking about myself. In part it’s probably because I don’t feel like I have anything interesting to contribute, or that I feel threatened in some way by other people’s knowledge on subjects.

 

I think the real truth here though is the dangers of alcohol with depression. It feels great the night before, but you end up paying for it days later. I can understand why alcoholics don’t ever want to sober up in some ways. I also know that I’ve been down this road before, and it doesn’t lead anywhere nice. What I need to do is ease back on it again. Drink only to be social, don’t drink to get drunk. Yeah, it can be a side effect, but don’t let it dictate how you spend your night.

 

So to wrap up:

  • Average is good.
  • Remain active as much as you can.
  • People will disappoint you; make sure you discard the ones that do it often.
  • Stop listening to the voices.
  • Beer Bad

 

Got that? Good.

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