Week 12 has been a bit more of the same. I’ve still been struggling with negative thoughts, although for the most part I’ve continued on regardless of it. It’s hard to describe what these negative thoughts are like. I tried explaining them to my GP yesterday, as the thoughts that I feel generally draw parallels with a decline in well-being. It was hard to try to tell my GP this as well. I think the GP I am currently seeing is probably one of the best I’ve seen over the years, but even she found it difficult to understand what I was trying to tell her. I suppose what these negative thoughts do is they manifest into something almost like a tick. It’s like subconsciously I’ll think “I’m a worthless piece of shit” and my response will be to say aloud (or under my breath) “fuck off”. I even find myself cringing with what maybe embarrassment, or even pain. Maybe it’s a way for my psyche to release some pent up emotions.
As you may guess I’m really struggling to put this into words. I’ve never encountered anything like this in my life. I’ve experienced this myself for a number of years on and off. Some times I can live with it, it’s like having a private joke all to your self. In other ways it’s a lot like being an odd combination of a schizophrenic and a sufferer of Tourette’s Syndrome. I think sometimes of it being a coping strategy, or at least it begun out that way. It was a way for me to not have to remain silent in my “pain”. Now I find it very distracting. It tends to mostly occur when I am alone, but I do find myself grimacing on occasion in public. To think of it in terms of a crazy person pressure valve is probably best. There’s some noise when the valve is opened to create space and not to let the craziness of depression run too rampant within my mind.
I hope that’s clear enough because I’m struggling for thought on how to describe the sensations.
So besides that whole pile of crazy life has generally been quite steady since last week. I’ve certainly had a fair share of low moods this past week (which have certainly been either helped or hindered by the above craziness), but all round things have generally been fairly positive.
Referrals arrived left right and centre this week. My Active for Health referral has come good; I begin that in a fortnight. The Mindfulness letter arrived with a start date (next week). I’ve been looking forward to this a lot. As I’ve written in previous posts, Mindfulness takes some Buddhist techniques for relaxation and awareness and helps put them to practical use within mental health. From what I’ve heard there will be some group work involved. I’m never sure what to expect from group therapy, but I hope I find that I’m not alone in experiencing some of the problems I go though.
I also got a referral through for physiotherapy. This is to do with a long standing issue with my left shoulder, which actually turns out to be more to do with my neck. Essentially there’s a trapped nerve that’s limiting my range of motion, but also has been causing a lot of discomfort for several years. That’s kind of off topic for this blog, but the more you know, right? Yeeeah….
I’ve also got to pull my finger out and enroll in some freebie classes over the summer. There’s a magazine published on my local council’s website called Choices. It’s all mostly adult education classes. Some are to do with the basics. Others are for fun and hobbies. I was recommended to get involved with this through Spectrum/Rethink (whom I have spoken of previously) as this would help begin to orientate my body and mind towards becoming more active during the day and get me ready for 2 years of college. I completely agree with them on this, and want to join one or two classes. I’m a little concerned I’d be treated like some child though, but that’s my overall impression of adult education classes from my previous line of work. I’m probably wrong, and I’ll probably eat these words once I’m on a course. Any way, that needs to be done within the next few days so I’ll more than likely update on that line in the future.
So that’s been my week. Not an awful lot to write about really other than trying desperately to describe this craziness occurring within my mind. Hopefully the next few weeks with provide me with plenty of ammunition to bore you silly with.