Again, I’m feeling there’s a lot to be desired in my weekly activities. This past week has been another dud, in part due to my lack of discipline. My sleep pattern fell out of whack; I started sleeping later into the afternoons after not getting to sleep until late in the night. I wasn’t planning much with my days, and wasn’t really doing much of anything in terms of productivity.
I managed to get out twice last week; once for pool, the other for a friend’s birthday. The hangover the day following that was enough to keep me in bed for most of Thursday. It wasn’t until Friday that I really started to turn things around again. I think that’s due to my own personal reliance on others to push me to do things, or to have appointments with people to give me the incentive to organise tasks for myself. On Friday I met with what I should probably refer to as “career advisor”. She’s more than that though. This career advisor is employed by Rethink/Spectrum (an agency I’m sure I’ve mentioned at some point over the last several weeks) who assist people with mental health issues back into the work place. So when I say she’s more than just a career advisor, I mean she discusses with me what I’m doing to get back into a routine, how I can help myself with some of my issues (like debt), and just generally someone to talk to. I don’t mean in an emotionally reliant way. That’s not how I view the sessions as. Having an advisor like this takes a more practical look at your circumstances. When I started with Rethink/Spectrum I was doing a computer course. When I went back to them a few weeks ago we discussed that and decided that there’s no point treading over this ground unless I’m going to need those skills between now and college.
We’ve also looked at health & fitness programmes offered by the government that I can take to my GP to get involved with, as well as taking a fresh look and updating my CV and looking into getting some work experience in what I want to do at college.
Digressing slightly, I probably should have mentioned in an earlier update that my college interview went extremely well, and that I’ve been offered a place on the course in September. All I need to do is enroll in August – unfortunately it’s a first come – first served type of deal, which will mean me getting there nice and early on the day and getting a spot before it all fills up. I’m definitely worried that I won’t get on if I don’t enroll in time, but it’s certainly an issue I’ll have to think about closer to the time.
Back to Rethink/Spectrum – I think it’s been a good line of support. It’s more tailored to suit my needs, as opposed to being supported generically. I’m still finding it hard looking for work, but the support is there now. It’s more focused towards helping me through college, and aimed at giving me experience relevant to the course I intend to do. What my advisor has done is to buoy me up with the CBT I just completed. Reminding me to keep myself as busy as possible without overburdening myself. It’s something that I’ve been very aware of anyway, having someone to emphasise when I tell them “I’ve had a shit week. I’ve done nothing.” That it’s because I’ve not planned anything is important to me.
Speaking plainly I know, or rather I feel, that I should be more independent. I should be able to think for myself and stand up for myself. I think at the moment its wishful thinking. It’s a goal to achieve in the future, to become self reliant again, but at the moment I need people around me to help get me on my feet. Sure, I have good days where I feel fairly capable of doing things alone, but there are sometimes days where I don’t even want to get out of bed. I need people who are going to support me through those moments, and not shit on me for it.