The problem I find with having depression is being able to concentrate. By that I mean everything I do becomes instantly a huge effort. When I’m at my lowest I can’t even get out of bed sometimes. So when it comes to regularly maintaining something like a blog, or just doing something productive with my time, I really struggle. It’s been around 6 weeks since my last posting here and it’s certainly been a rollercoaster of a journey. I’ve been back in some really low places, but surprisingly Christmas wasn’t one of those.
For me, ever since I can remember, Christmas has always been that stressful time of year. My Dad would be a grinch, my Mum would be stressing over the stove trying to get dinner ready, and my brother would be a brat. Christmas to me has always been a disappointment, and every year I seem to prepare myself for the oncoming stresses and dissatisfaction that I’ve come to associate. This year was different. My Mum for the first time in years didn’t cook Christmas dinner for everyone; instead her parents (my Grandparents) had us over. My Dad seemed remarkably chipper, considering this year was the first year he celebrated without either of his parents (My Grandmother passing away in June of 2011), and he in himself was a pleasure to be around. Even my brother seemed more humble this year. In the days leading up to Christmas we spent a lot of time together as a family. We went shopping, we went out for meals. We were even all sitting together in the living room enjoying each others company. It was like a parallel universe! It was amazing though. Even the week after this attitude continued. It was like this dysfunctional unit had finally found a way to reconcile each of their differences. For lack of a better term, it was a “Christmas Miracle”! I for one can’t believe that for a second. The cynical nature of my depression says that miracles don’t happen. And this is right. Miracles don’t. I’m not a religious man at all, so I have to believe that what has happened has been something brewing within the family unit for a very long time. Finally we understand each other.
For the year ahead I hope this new dynamic with cement itself in our lives. I’m also hoping that this year will be the year everything changes. I don’t mean “I hope” like “I hope someone’s going to come along and make everything better” I mean it like “I hope that I can set myself these goals to achieve so I can be where I want to be, and to be doing what I want to be doing”. I think 2011 was the hardest year I’ve had, and I’ve lived through it. 2012 has to be better than last year. I have to make this year the best, the most positive year that I can. I want to be able to look back at this year and say with a smile that this was the year that I turned everything around. With that I hope you’ll follow me as I track my year through this blog. I’ll be striving from now to update the blog once a week. Some times it may be short, some times it may be a humongous essay. Regardless I hope this will give everyone (mostly myself) an opportunity to see how my life is affected by the changes I’m trying to implement, and an opportunity to see for myself what’s working in my life and what isn’t.